Things are so nuts right now

Hi all!!! What is up with life just getting away from not only me but so many of you as well. Has someone hit a speed button on the universe? February just FLEW by...ZIP ZIP ZIP. I had such a great time in North Carolina. It was great hanging out with students and seeing my band boys in action. The promoter for the event put us up in our own house and I got the whole downstairs to myself. It was so peaceful and the "mountains" were beautiful. We wanted to go see Biltmore, but the price tag to just go see a flippin house....$25 a person. NUTS. Anyway, the weekend was refreshing and I want to go back!
This week I started another job. I'm doing really good at it so far. Its nice to have a little self-confidence booster...even though the job is SO easy, its still a great feeling to have caught on so quickly and to be surpassing expectations.
Yay for March being here in just a few hours. Thoughts of springtime and renewal are so refreshing. I am looking forward to seeing buds on trees and flowers blooming and all the things that make me warm and fuzzy when its 70 degrees outside.

JUST another day...

Well, I figured I would do the trite post to this day. This year I actualy forgot for a majority of the day that celebrations happen all over the place today. In years past, I've spent the day being somewhat melancholy about my "table of one" status. I don't know if it was the whirlwind of activity or what but I didn't even think about it today. Today was JUST another day like the rest. It looks like I will be starting a 2nd job very soon. It will be another at home job...which will be great. I still have some details to work out with it, but this could be a good opprotunity to get a few extra dollars in the ol' pocket.
On another happy note, I get to get out of town this weekend! I get to be roadie/merch girl/pr girl/etc. for one of my bands all weekend. It will be my first trip actually traveling with a band and I am looking forward to it. So...if I don't write for a few days...that is where I am!
Happy Day to all my bloggy and real life friends. You guys rock!

Embracing who you are...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the life we've been given and the circumstances that come into life whether good or bad. Our lives are shaped by our reaction to the circumstnces that cross our path. I know I have failed many times in my bad reaction to circumstances. I know I've wasted much time pondering the "why me" question instead of putting up a fight and getting above my circumstances. Trials in life are meant to be learning experiences. I am finally ready to learn. I have made some big decisions the last few weeks to create a new beginning for myself. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to be willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I need to stop feelin like I am owed something, but instead to keep the long term vision in mind and realize that if I want my dreams to come sooner than later...there might be sacrifice required of me. I don't want ego to destoy my life. I don't want to think that I am above having hard times fall. I want to look for opptotunities around me to embrace this life that I've been given and to live it to the fullest. I want to look for opprotunities to be thankful for the many things I do have and the people in my life that have made my life fuller and richer.

Its about time...

We FINALLY got a snow day today! I woke up around 4 this morning and peeked outside and saw white! I felt like a little kid all giddy. I went back to sleep with the hope that the snow would still be there. There is definately something freeing and nostalgic about snow. Growing up in SW Wasthington, we also only got a couple days of snow a year and even just a little snow was enough for us to get the day off of school. One block away from me was a skateboard park...a little cement hill that became a place for us to sled with the right amount of snow. It was such a fun place during snow days..life was carefree. Now as an adult who isn't fond of cold weather...there is something still about bundleing up for snow that makes the cold worthwhile. (for the day :) )
On a side note...I was woken up a couple hours later...definately still too early to get up by a bunch of kids screaming as they were sledding in the hold behind my condo. Yes...the old person in me came out as I wanted to shout at those kids to keep quiet. hee hee

Friends and Starbucks

Sometimes this town is just too sureal. Today was one of those days. I was sitting in Starbucks having a meeting for work and the afternoon was filled with spottings. The best spotting by far was seeing the one and only Michael W. Smith. Such an iconic character in my teenage years. One of the very first cassettes that I owned was his...growing up he was always a musician that I wanted to meet but never had the opprotunity and today he was 10 feet away from me getting a cup of coffee. The strangest thing about Nashville is that musicians (especially Christian musicians) can just walk around and go about their lives without being bombarded by people (okay...so my gawking was a little over the top...but I'm talking in general here people). This guy who is really the most successful musician in the Christian music industry was able to walk into a crowded Starbuck, order coffee, talk to a couple kids, get his coffee and walk out just like all of us.
In conclusion...I am a nerd who is still a BIG fan at heart. Its refreshing to see that my jaded booking agent self isn't always winning the battle for my soul. :)

Randomness

Oh gosh. This week has been full of randomness. People have been really acting out of character. I have had many moments in the past couple days where I sit back, tilt my head, and say "reeeaalllyyyyy". Its quite the funny sight! Through it all I am resolved to hold my head high and not lose my character. I don't have the need to lower who I am in order to get my way. People that feel the need to bully or degrade in order to try and get what they want have no place in my life.
This last week my new church began a merge with another church. Funny thing is that the other church is a church I went to a couple years ago, but left for many reasons. Life is funny. I look forward to seeing the changes this will bring. Up until a couple years ago i was always very involved in church and different groups. It was my social life and the place where I felt connected both spiritually and emotionally. I have missed that part of myself greatly. I look forward to rediscovering her and seeing how she grows as time goes on. It makes me smile to see parts of that former person emerge. She is a little more grown up, a little more jaded and recently a lot more hopeful.

2007 is almost here...YAY!!!

I am so excited for this year to get here. 2006 was really rocky. There were lots of good moments this year, but overall I have been really feeling discontent with where I am at in life. I have decided to take this discontentment and refocus my energies on the things I can change in my life. I want 2007 to be a year of pursual. I want to pursue success in my job. i want to pursue gaining relationships in my life. I want to pursue a better life for myself. I want to pursue God and what He has for me. I am not completely sure where to start in my pursuit of these things, but I am confident in what I want. I know that I want to take life by the horns and live it to the fullest! Bye bye 2006...its been swell.

Time for Reflection

I borrowed this incredible book from a friend of mine called "The Traveler's Gift". It has to be one of the best books I have read in such a long time. The premise of the book is the main character is beyond the end of his rope and is taken through some pivotal points in history, and learns some great life lessons from key people in the past. These lessons have been hitting home with me. One theme that has hit me over the head like a ton of bricks is being a person of decision and following the dream in your heart even when it doesn't make sense to those around you. I've allowed doubt in my dreams to creep in my heart. I've allowed myself to listen to the people in my life that want me to do something stable and safe in my life. I've allowed stress and worry to cloud my judgement and its caused me to lose the dream in my heart and the motivation behind it.
I desire to become unstoppable once again. I desire to once again truly care about what I do and why I do it. I don't want my vision to continue to be clouded by the day to day worries in life.
I really plan on taking this week to regroup and focus on the things that matter most.

Time to get organized

Its the time of the year when I have a few days to get organized. Life gets so crazy that papers pile up and suddenly my desk is throwing up and it drives me batty. I have enough to do to keep my busy and not thinking about my family on the other side of the country this Christmas. The busy work will be a great distraction. But the funny thing is that once this week is over...I will once again feel completely at peace being so many miles away from them. Oh the wretched month of December.
The past week I've been thinkng about how much this year has flown by, but this month seems to be dragging on. I have been under an unbelievable amount of stress. Life has been a huge struggle for survival and challenges have been around every bend. I know that challenges are suppose to give you strength and reveal your true character. I also grew up believing that God would never give you a great burden than you can handle, but right now I have to admit that I think He's just being a big meanie. I want so much to believe that there is a purpose the for trials that life brings and I want to believe that trials are meant to bring you closer to God, but I'm not experiencing that. Bitterness has been planted in my soul and I have to admit to you that it is growing roots. Those roots need to be plucked before I can't see the way back. What I need is a break. A light at the end of the tunnel...a steady upswing...something that lets me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will provide for my needs.
So, I just had to get that out. I really am looking forward to this time of relaxing and getting refocused.

and the hits keep coming....

Ok...not really. :) Its the end of another week in life. Pretty mellow week except for being frustrated with people that just don't know what the word gratitude means. I could go on about that, but I know you guys know what it means to be grateful for the people in your life that help get you where you are. So...no need to spout off on that soapbox. What I do completely love is those people that are grateful! Those individuals that see your hard work for them and continue to let you know about that. Those people motivate me to no end! I also love it when people look at seemingly impossible situations and have a "can do" attitude! I really do look up to those people and want to work alongside them to help them reach their goals.
I had a burst of the Christmas spirit today. Put up some lights and decorations around the house. I still need to find my other decorations. It seems like every year its harder and harder to get in the spirit of things...but once I force myself to do it, it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

New Look

So what is a girl to do when she is housesitting/dogsitting? She searches for a new blog template! The look is much more me. Oh guys I am so bored! Anyone wanna come over and party like its 2006? :)

Thoughts and such

Well, the traveling days are over. I absolutely LOVED the last month of my life. Seeing different parts of the country...not being home was great. I've been home for the past 7 days straight and I'm feeling stir crazy. I have really enjoyed not knowing exactly what the day would hold. I liked surprises around every corner and sleeping in a different bed most nights. I've known for awhile that I was not cut out for the corporate world...maybe I'm not meant to be "settled" either. Somethng to think about.
Also, I really don't like this time of the year. Once again...I'm not seeing my family during the holidays and it bites. Normally I don't NEED to be around my family. I have a pretty independent life and I like it that way. I don't run and ask my family for advicce on life decisions or feel the need to constantly talk to them on the phone. Granted some of my family members are cool and I like them...others...not so much. But regardless, they are mine and I miss them like crazy when it comes time for the traditional days of family gatherings. I feel a huge sense of being all alone in the world during these times and it easily becomes a dark pit of depression. My time here in Nashville has been the lonliest I've ever experienced, even after all this time I'm still not used to having several people arond to call my own. I know that there are people out there that care...I just long for people that are mine. here. with me.
On a happier note...the weather here has been IDEAL the past few days. high 60's, low 70's and SUNNY. The little break from the winter cold has been nice.

Adventures in California

Well, I am back home in TN. I returned to rainy, cold, miserable fall weather. ICK. My week in CA was awesome. The sun, the warmth, the break from home stress and getting some work done were all a part of my week. I arrived on Halloween and went to Hollywood for the day. It was nuts. People EVERYWHERE. Literally. Cars could not get onto the streets. I have determined that Halloween is pretty much a day to dress with as little clothing as possible for many people. I could not believe some of the "costumes" people tried to get away with. YUCK. I saw the parts of the Hollywood Walk of Fame, saw the sign, was in the Kodak Theater and was given tickets to see Jimmy Kimmel Live. Of course the night *I* get to see the show in person it is one of the worst lineups in history...Kathy Griffith and Meatloaf. The one great thing I can say about Meatloaf (aside from the wonderful high school memories) is that he seemed to really appreciate his audience and fans. He just kept playing and playing, long after the show was over. It was cool to see that.
The next day was a day at Disneyland. I got to have my belated birthday lunch at Ariel's Grotto and all the Disney Princesses come through while you are eating. It was fun. I think I was about the only adult there that cared about the Princesses but I didn't care...it was fun. It was great to have a carefree day and be a kid again.
The conference I was working at started on Thursday but before it started I headed down to the beach for a few hours. I haven't seen the Pacfic Ocean in soooo long. It was breathtaking. I decided to take a few minutes and walk down to the ocean...although not in beach attire, I threw caution to the wind and walked down so I could feel the wonderful salt water in my hands. I have always felt a huge connection to the ocean. Its such magical place to me. The ocean is so large...it goes on and on and the power of it is amazing. I definately see the power of God in the ocean. As I journeyed out I just cried and cried at the beauty before me. I cried thinking of times long ago when the ocean was so accessible to me and how much I miss seeing it whenever I would like. It was a bittersweet moment.
The conference started and one of my oldest friends flew in from Las Vegas for the weekend. So I worked during the day and played at night. It was a whirlwind of a time. So much fun, some stress and I got sick...I would say overall it was the best of trips.

Saying Goodbye to my 20's...

In a few hours, I will be 30. YIKES! I always envisioned 30 being way different than what its actually becoming. I thought I would be an adult by now, but I'm so far from it. It really seems like just yesterday that I was the awkward 12 year old girl with my bangs teased so high that a bird could live in it. My biggest problems were whether or not I would get the right color ESPRIT bag or if the right boy would rip off the Guess tag on my jeans. I had such lofty dreams back then. I was capable of doing anything. My dreams have taken on different forms over the years. I have made many of those dreams a reality...some dreams I have to keep fighting for to stay a reality and some dreams I am trying to still dream about. I have felt in the last few years that I have lost the ability to hold onto my dreams. That somewhere along the way, I have started to believe that some dreams aren't meant to come true. I have let bitterness come into my life and its time to kick it back out. I desire to be a 30 year old that believes in herself and believes once again that anything is possible. I want to believe once again that the dreams I have are meant to be realities at some point. So here is to a fresh start of strength!

Back from Texas

This week I was in Arlington for a youth pastor's convention. It was a good week overall. Lots of challenges to overcome..our booth was not coming together like we had planned; tables collapsing, banners not the right size...but in the end what mattered was that the people that came to our booth liked it. I connected with some great youth pastors and hopefully these will become great long term relationships for me and my bands.
The past couple weeks I've been thinking a lot about the spiritual state of our youth. With so many school shootings....you have to wonder what is happening these days. I grew up at a time when my peers were so on fire for God. We were bold, we had conversations with our friends about Christianity..but something happened in the past few years. Over time, the excitement and fire died. My peers and myself became disenchanted; boldness gave way to being "open-minded" and "unoffensive". Many youth pastors are my age or younger. This attitude seems to be passed down to the younger generation. Students don't seem as excited at spritiual things. I hear from my bands all the time that teenagers just don't seem to have that fire in their lives. All of these things make me ponder where our society is heading. Later in the week, I went to a Christian bookstore to pick up some CD's. Going down the isle, I noticed 2 things that really floored me...Strawberry Shortcake and these toys that looked EXACTLY like My Little Pony, but they weren't called My LIttle Pony...they were called Praise Ponies. GAK First of all...when did Strawberry Shortcake become a "Christian" toy. She's a toy! You rub her head and she smells of wonderful strawberries. So..needless to say the sudden site of this toy in a religious store is very strange. Now onto the Praise Ponies. Seriously guys...these ponies were EXACTLY like My Little Pony..they had the same hair, the same brushes, the same colors...everything. So, WHY do we have to call them Praise Ponies. I can just picture some poor little sheltered kid taking her pony to school and trying to play with the other little girls and insisting that they are Praise Ponies. I found myself becoming really upset with the Praise Pony. As Christians, we need to get out of our bubble that we've created. There is no need to label things as "Christian", but live life as a Christian. Love people like we should instead of alienating ourselves and trying to shelter ourselves from the real world. I think its time to be real. To live life to the fullest and serve those in our path.

Stuff life throws at you...

I guess for some reason, I need to keep learning that life is fragile and you need to prepare for the unknown. I got a phone call today from my BFF that a guy we grew up with died this weekend. This guy was a little brother to us. We would tease him, taunt him and basically be kids. The story that we have of his death so far was pretty heartbreaking. We've known him about as long as we've known each other. We then started to think about what if that was one of us...very sad to even consider. My BFF is my rock. After 24 years, she has experienced life with me. I am SO lucky to have someone like her in my life. Its pretty sad that it takes a devestating event to really understand what people mean to you.

Learning to Let Go

As you go through life, its inevitable that dreams will come and go. Some dreams you realize and other dreams for one reason or another fall to the wayside. This past weekend, a dream died. In reality the dream was dying long ago, but there was always that place in the back of my mind that held onto hope. I found out that the last of my former guys is now engaged. This one hurts. This is the man I believed I was desinted to be with. Other people told me many times in many different circumstances that I was the person for him. He was and is definately burned into my heart. And even though I have moved away and I no longer have contact with him, just knowing that he was still single was a bit comforting. He was still available and maybe maybe maybe. (Although reality tells me...nope, not gonna happen) I haven't been truly intersted in another man since him and its been a LONG time. Since finding out this news, I've realized that there are many stages of letting go...little things that have to die. The big dream has to offically die. There is no longer any ounce of hope to hold onto. I now have to officially find and hold onto the hope that there is someone better out there that will be the perfect fit for me. I can still believe that, can't I?

Writing Wednesday

I'm joining the new sensation. Sitting Still and Mrs. Flinger have decided that to spice up the week, a writing assignment would be a fun way to pass the time and give people like me that have times of blog block to have a creative thing to write about. This week, its a lunch box story. So...here is goes...
I had many lunch boxes in my time. Each fall, my elementary school years would start with a new lunch box. I tried to be one of the hip kids with my cabbage patch kid lunchbox or my garfield lunch box, but the lunchbox that I remember the most was my metal Muppet Babies lunchbox. I have to admit, I wasn't a fan of metal or the Muppet Babies, but this lunchbox came in handy one day. Most days this lunchbox served its purpose of being the home to my peanut butter sandwich, chips and granola bar, but one day it took on a new form. My lunchbox became my protector. I had a girl in my class that did NOT like me. My BF and I had a really bad habit of making fun of people that weren't us and I had crossed the line. This girl was determined to beat me up after school. She was serious. I was scared out of my mind. The school day ended. The girl was waiting for me out in the playground. My BF and I RAN to our bikes, jumped on and started pedaling. The evil girl ran after me and I held up my metal lunchbox and told her to stand back or I would hit her over the head. Then with my new sense of strength and confidence...I pedaled out of playground as fast as my legs would go. The girl never bothered me again. Goes to show you that you don't mess with a short girl and her Muppet Babies.

On a happier note..

In 2 weeks I start my travel season for work! I am so ready to get out of town and this year I am actually going to 3 cities that I've never been to before! My journey starts 2 weeks from today when I go to Dallas for 4 days!

What does loyalty mean to you?

This week has been full of ups and downs. Its been emotionally draining beyond belief. Many times all I've been able to think or say is "I don't know". As you know (or don't know yet), I work with bands. Musicians are extremely introverted and more times than not will keep their feelings to themselves. Then, it seems out of nowhere will just say they are not happy and that you are not doing a good job and they want to leave the relationship. I am a person that takes things very personally. I know I should allow these things to roll off of me, but I don't. I just think about all that I should have done (even if there is nothing more I could have done). I think about how I've failed. It makes me question my abilities and whether or not I'm doing what I should be doing in a career. Ultimately though, it makes me angry. I am a very loyal person. If you are one of my people, I'll go to bat for you no matter what. I don't understand how other people don't have this trait. I don't understand how many people seem to just be about themselves and what is best for them no matter how it may hurt others. Or maybe it is that I'm just jealous that other people have the ability to screw others and I seem to always get bitten back when I try to do what is best for me no matter who I screw. So, is loyalty a long forgotten trait? Have you experienced loyalty in those around you? Are there things we should do to perserve the notion of loyalty?