The Game
The game...its exhausting. Trying to please people (as I am so apt to do)...is draining. Yeah, this is me...drained. I feel like I've been in a tug of war and I"m the rope. I have decided to stay put and make the best of my circumstances because I need to create a better story for myself. This decision is anything but easy. I feel like my dreams and desires are morphing...into what, I'm still not completely sure...but I sense a change coming on. I still feel a calling to students...but I think that I need to focus on pouring into the lives of their leaders (Youth Pastors/Volunteers). I think a lot of the "problems" with high school students right now stems from the fact that the adults in their lives are pretty apathetic. I believe that if these adults have resources and get ministered to that they will be able to more effectively reach students. I want to create opportunities for them to experience authentic relationships with people "in their same boat" and to know that they are not an island. I would love to see these leaders learning from each other. So that is a snapshot of the dream I see. Its huge...but I guess that is what makes it a dream...its bigger than what I can do on my own effort.
I just need the strength to make it through the here and now.
Everything...
Life has been..messy lately. Circumstances have entered my life that are completely out of my control. I am experiencing an extremely deep loss and going through multiple versions of the grief process. My extended family is experiencing a situation that I would not wish on anyone. Its heart-wrenching. I can't go into a ton of detail because I'm not sure how far this news has gotten, but I'm feeling so many different things and its part of my experience. So here I go.
I am really struggling with what love really means and how you live that out. How do you love someone and reconcile that love with anger over their wrong actions. How do you accept someone in spite of a devastating hurt? My faith tells me that God loves me unconditionally and that I need to love others in that same way. But my humanity tells me that I'm angry, sad, ripped apart because of the actions of someone else. There are just no right answers in all this. There is no good outcome. There are consequences. Life has been completely turned upside down, inside out and ripped into little sheds all over this. So, I sit here wondering how to love in the face of all of this and how that love really looks. And maybe not how to still love them, but how to like them.
Glimpse of Hope
Ever so slowly, things are beginning to look up. Since it is not my nature to be patient...this process has been killing my spirit. I haven't blogged in so long because I have just had dark thoughts that I thought would frighten you lovely blog readers. It hurts my heart to be so dark..anyone that knows me knows that I am normally a happy person, but I haven't known that person in so long. I am trying everything I can to bring that person back in some shape and form. I am finally seeing glimpses of joy again.
Last week was GMA week here in Nashville and for the first time in a couple years I was not stuck behind a booth or given a spot to stand and promote a show. I was free to attend meetings, see concerts and just be a fan. I was in some pretty exciting meetings and met with artists that have big visions. These artists (barring they choose to work with us) will stretch me in new areas. I will be expanding what I do beyond the typical youth group events that we've been focusing on. I've been hoping for fresh ideas to come and I'm seeing them. I desire to be challenged, but also NEED to see the rewards for that. I need to be seeing fruits of my labor. Now the prayer is that these new artists will come to fruition and that I will be selling these new events like wildfire.
In other news, I started teaching preschool for a church last month. I wasn't quite sure that I would be good at this...its been MANY years since I've taught Sunday School and never for kids this young. Its been a fun adventure. The kids are probably teaching me more than I'm teaching them.
Sorry for all the random thoughts. It is late and my brain is fried, but I needed to get this stuff out of my head and shared with all of you.
Eight Things
Kendra tagged me and i just have to take part.
8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Going to Atlanta this weekend
2. Signing some new artists to work with
3. My aunt and uncles upcoming adoption
4. Meeting my new cousin!
5. Meeting my new "niece" (sonja's little girl making her debut this summer)
6. Getting financially stable
7. All the traveling this fall I hope
8. Having the house to myself for a week next month
8 things I did yesterday:
1. Woke up too early when I wanted to sleep in
2. Facebook
3. Watched 24
4. Ate meals
5. Read blogs
6. Drank coffee
7. Did laundry
8. Organized and cleaned my room
8 things I wish I could do:
1. Draw
2. Make more money
3. Be more outgoing
4. Get skinny again
5. Not be so angry
6. Have more trust in God
7. Get my own house
8. Travel more
8 Shows I watch
1. 24
2. American Idol
3. The Office
4. The Hills
5. Desperate Housewives
6. Brothers and Sisters
7. Private Practice
8. Lie to Me
Song List
"Your iPod says alot about you..."
1. Put your iPod (or media player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN, NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy this quiz as well as the person you got the note from.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
We
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Few Days Down
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Steadfast Love
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Call me when you are sober
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Carry On
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Amazing Grace
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Found
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Stay Up
WHAT IS 2+2?
How Great
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Wonderful maker
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Eternal
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Sea of Forgetfulness
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Gomer's Theme
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Could Be the One (NICE!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Headwires
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Misfit Me....(no thanks)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One Thing
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Be Praised
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Half Right
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Gold Digger...(HAHA)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Makes me Wonder
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
You are the Judas of the Cheerleader Squad
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Hide Myself in You
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Lonely People
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Solace
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Everything's Just Wonderful
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Show Me Everything You've Got
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Victory
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Leave the Pieces
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Heartland
Holidays with the Relatives
So, it has been YEARS since I"ve been with my family on any holiday. I think its been at least 5 years...maybe longer. It was a refreshing to be back around the old traditions and to "morph" back into my role in the family. When it came to preparing for dinner, I jumped in and did as much as I could. When it came to dinner time and sitting around the table, I listened to the stories being told around me. It was fun to watch a new generation of kid's table residents coming up through the trenches. Being around family is always filled with so many emotions...happiness, fun, sadness about those who are missing, and the pressure of being so far away. One thing that I walked away from during the week was that I am where I am suppose to be for now. That I probably need to see my family more often, but that is not my home. I needed that reassurance and have been begging God for direction and feel that I got it.
Traveling time
I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. In just 11 days, I will get to spend 10 days in the PNW with my fam. I'm so looking forward to the change of scenery (even the dark, rainy scenery). I'll get to see lots of my family members and meet my newest niece for the first time. I've really been struggling in the day to day of life lately so having a change is really filling me with excitement. I ALSO just started making plans to return to Disney World at the end of January. I got a great deal that makes doing this trip really hard to pass up. 7 nights and 8 days away from the real world will be so refreshing! I'm so glad I have these things to look forward to!
