I am the planning maniac

10 more days folks! Then, I'm outta here and will be in the land of sunshine and all the happiness I can stand. I can't stop planning my trip. What I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to buy...I'm obsessed with vacation. I am reading all kinds of reviews from people that have done Disney by themselves. I keep reading the menus of the places I'm eating and deciding NOW what I want to eat. Its crazy! I guess my super type-A personality is kicking into high gear and I love it! Being prepared is allowing me to see the fun times ahead. Call me crazy. Who out there likes to plan plan plan and who just goes with the flow...whatever happens happens?

Hi Blogland!

Life has been running faster than I can think. For the most part things have been good. There have been some disappointments over the last 2 months and some struggles but I am embracing those things and have determined in my heart to not let those things cloud my vision. A couple weeks ago I had some good friends from home come visit and it was so refreshing. The 5 days with them were full of laughter and memories. The long weekend goes down in my life as one of the best times ever. There is something surreal about being around people that have known you for the majority of your life, but they click with the person you've become. After that visit, I went to Atlanta for another youth pastor convention. The week was filled with lots of work but it was great to reconnect with people.
In my hiatus time away from you all, I turned 31. It was a GREAT day! I hiked, went out to lunch with a good friend, went wine tasting and the day was topped off with dinner with friends. After dinner, I was given the best surprise ever! All of my bands and my bosses chipped in and gave me a 5 day Disney World vacation! The vacation I've been wanting to do for so long, but finances kept getting in the way. I was so blown away by all of their generosity! I leave in just over 2 weeks!!! I have not been able to stop looking at planning websites and scoping out my plan of attack for the week. I am just so thrilled to have 5 whole days to myself with no phone or computer to take my time. I don't think I've ever gone this long without thinking about or doing work. Every other time I get out of town, I am still reachable...but not this time! This trip is definately what I have needed to lift my spirits and keep surging ahead!

Ok...wait a minute..

How is it October already? How am I turning *gasp* 31 in 23 days? I've been trying to keep my head above water lately. Trying to rebuild the business and it is a slow process. The downtimes can really be scary and you hope for the light at the end of the tunnel, but it keeps moving further back. Its frustrating. Normally at about this time of the year I do lots of traveling for work. Its a time of excitement for me...a time that gets me through. This year, we aren't doing those events. I have to admit that its hard on me knowing that I'm not getting out of here this month...that I'm not seeing my customers face to face. I am trying hard to get beyond that and keep motivated.
On a more happy note...even with all the stress around me I am planning a vacation. I am looking at taking myself to Disney World. I am looking to be gone 4 days. A glorious 4 days of no internet or phone. Its gonna be weird. Its gonna be good for me to be at a place where I cannot connect to the world easily. Whenever I get out of town to visit family or things like that...I still end up doing some work. I need time to get away and regroup. Time to disconnect from the overwhelming stress. Have any of you guys done a vacation on your own? Any tips?

what a week..

Yesterday I got the call from my dad that my Grandma had passed in the morning. This week has been a struggle. My mind flooded with memories both good and bad. I had a chance Wednesday to tell her goodbye. it was difficult, but it helped to let go and deal with it all.

Sometimes when you come back to reality...you REALLY come back to reality

Remember how I got the chance to go back home in May? It was such a great trip and I had a chance to reconnect with some family. One of these people was my Grandma. She and I have not always had the greatest road. Some incredibly destructive things happened in my young life that she had the power to protect me from but instead she made me believe I was in the wrong. As I grew up, the gap between us got narrower but it was still there. I knew that she had regretted mistakes that were made and she turned her life around as much as she could.
After our visit in May, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. It has progressed quickly and yesterday she was given less than 48 hours to live. This has been a whirlwind of shock for me. I am so thankful for that time that I had to spend with her and I know that in the midst of all of this...nothing else than letting her know how loved she is matters. Through her life, I have seen that no matter how many mistakes you make, that there can be redemption. She would say that the last 15 years of her life have been the best ever. That after being with so many frogs, that at 70 she finally found her prince.
I pray that these last few moments of her life are filled with peace and comfort.
Here is the last picture I have of her with my dad, brother and his family.

The Time Has Arrived

In about 24 hours I will take off for the mountains of North Carolina. The next day, bands from various parts of the country will join us and the conference that I've been working so hard on will begin. The past few months have been quite a journey. I have been consumed with thoughts of failure and unknown. I have been pushed and stretched. I have been broken numerous times and put back together. Some scars are still there...some are healing. This has been one of the most grueling times of my life. I am spent.
I am also proud. In the face of opposition and complete exhaustion...I stuck to my guns. I found my strength. I found determination. I did not quit. I am still standing. And yes...I am getting back in the trenches for next year.
I am looking forward to this time of seeing the fruits of my labor. Meeting these artists that I have only talked to on the phone. Hearing some great speakers. Enjoying a concert by one of my favorite bands and hanging out with 2 of MY bands that will be with us this weekend. I am looking forward to being in the mountains and away from the 100+ degree weather that has annoyed me to no end. I am looking forward to when this is over and my life can get back to a state of normalcy.

Seasons

This weekend I was talking with a friend about how much I was looking forward to fall and the cold weather. I then jokingly made the comment that in 6 months I'll be complaining about how cold it is and wanting summer again. :) As I continue to walk this life I've been given, I love seasons. One of the things that I do love about Nashville is that we do have the 4 seasons. Fall and Spring are short, but we have them...leaves change colors, temperatures are pleasant and then the sight of the new blooms in the spring. I remember times that I would just long for summer and the break from constant rain that Washington gets. Now, in Nashville...I am so over the days and days of 100+ temperatures and long for days of hoodies, blankets and the smell of fireplaces. I know this time in life is just around the corner and I look forward to the change.

Its here!!!

and oh so pretty. How horrible is it to love a piece of technology so much. :)
Bare with me this month as its gonna be packed to the gills with work stress. I hope to get a few moments to touch base with you guys!

Patience

So, my little ibook has decided that it is time to go to another home. This has given me the chance to upgrade to a pretty new black macbook! I am so excited!!! I went to go pick it up last night and the new computer had dead pixels. *sad* Now, I have to wait a few more days for the macbook fun to begin.

Neglect

Hi friends! *waving* Sorry, I've been so negligent to keep you up to date on the happenings around here. I honestly don't know how all of a sudden its the middle of July. YIKES! Work has been taking up incredibly too much of my time recently, but I've also been on a discovery of strength. I've been lacking in strength both physical and emotional for way to long. The funny thing about losing strength is you don't realize how you were lacking it until you start gaining it again. Due to other physical problems, I've once again become anemic. But this time, I've become super anemic and am having to make some changes, take a ton of iron and stop beating myself up for wanting to sleep all.the.time and being so stinkin' forgetful. I've also taken stock in my emotional strength and not trying to not allow myself to be walked all over by people. To value myself and the person that God has created me to be. This person is not a doormat, but a strong independent woman who can kick ass when needed. (ok...so i need a bit more physical strength to do that, but you get the picture)
Now for the PSA portion of my blog. I have a new addiction....Vitamin Water. This stuff is amazing! Its depleting my bank account very quickly, but I love the stuff. All the yummy flavors are making it easy to get in the water that I need and then some. The stuff is so good that I'm normally choosing that over pop. That is a big accomplishment for me.
I hope all of you guys are doing well! I've missed writing to you, although I have been blog stalking all of you!

Amazed

This last week and beginning this week have been filled with chaos and trying to solve problems for other people. Trying to relieve the stress of those around me, while all the while my own stress was building. One day a major problem got solved, then 2 days later it got unsolved and has escalated into a total mess. In dealing with this, I've seen human nature at its worst. On another hand, it has been refreshing that my ultimate outlook on this is that I've done all I can to fix the situation and if the others involved don't want to accept the outcome, there is nothing more I can do.
On top of trying to make sure this situation was taken care of, my own difficulties have been brewing. I finally decided to ask for help. Last week I joined my church and even though I haven't really made great connections, I felt that I just needed to make the leap and that I was in the right place. Anyway, I realized this weekend that I wasn't going to be able to pull myself out of the stress of overdue bills by myself; that the income I was counting on making its way into my account wasn't coming when it needed to. So, I humbled myself and asked for help from my church. Without the 3ed degree or any long process, I was given the help I needed, no strings attached. It still blows me away that I'm truly being taken care of. It was such a fabulous reminder in the midst of a pulling my hair out kind of week, that Someone has my back! For so long I've failed to believe that I would ever see no strings attached help. Its refreshing to see a bit of hope.

Such a great time was had!

My week in the northwest was amazing! So relaxing and fun to hang out with my friends (and the time with family wasn't bad either...hee hee). As always, I took this time away from the routine to really take stock at where I am in life. I had such a sense of freedom and destress that I realized how much I have to start protecting myself and my time. I need more balance in life and I need to start fighting for that. I am a person that has always been able to make things happen. I wanted to be a teacher...I did it. I wanted to work in music...I did it. I've stopped making things happen for myself. I want a social life, but I've felt paralyzed to make that happen. No longer! I want to get out there and take some hours in my week to get to know people and be out doing things that I love to do. I need to be my number one priority...not my career. I've struggled most of my adult life with being identified by my career and that has become a crippling identity. I know I have to be so much more than what I *do*.

I'm gettin' outta town!

In less than 2 weeks now, I will be going to Seattle and Portland! I am soooo thrilled to get a week to see friends, a little bit of family and just see the beauty that is my old home...the Northwest. I have so much to do to plan and prepare. So much work that needs to be done so I can just go and be. I have one dilemma about this trip. My desire is to be selfish on this trip and make this my vacation...to see the people I want to see and do the things I want to do. Already, the tug of war begins. I have 1 family obligation...my brother is graduating college, but I don't want that event to drag into a multi-day affair. I want to come down for graduation, spend the evening with the family and jet back to Seattle as soon as I can the next day.
Have any of you guys done that...gone "home", but wanted to experience home in your new adult eyes? Treated home like any other vacation spot? How does that work? How do you set boundaries without causing a riot?

GMA Week

This week was the annual big week of the year in my industry. For 5 days, downtown Nashville is swallowed up by musicians and professionals in the christian music industry. This year was a bit different for me as my company decided to have a booth in the exhibit hall. It was my *lovely* job to be in the exhibit hall ALL day for 4 days. It made for VERY long days and today I have been wiped out. I did get a chance to meet some great people and got out of my shell a bit to make some good industry connections.
I really enjoy watching human behavior at events like this. Seeing the people that try to make themselves seem like a big deal to everyone around them, and bands that just want to be noticed by anyone. On the other hand, I had people talk to me that I thought would be too "important" to give me a time of day, and some really cool bands that hung out with me.
One funny story from the week....my boss has a pretty twisted sense of humor and last week we had joked around that he needed to bring his Jesus doll with him this week. He decided to do that and we placed Jesus on our table to see who would notice. it is a cool doll that has the hair of a troll doll. Anyway...we had him out one day and maybe 2 people noticed. Then, the next day we got into the booth and Jesus was gone! We looked everywhere for him and he was GONE. Someone stole Jesus!!! It was quite a surprise and it really took some guts for someone at a Christian music convention to steal Jesus!

All That I Had Hoped For

Today was a different kind of perfect. It was a holiday spent alone, but it was wonderful. I feel rested! I got caught up on things that I needed to do. I made myself a YUMMY Easter dinner. I watched movies and laid on the couch and I READ. Fabulous! And to top it off...I have surprises from Ikea arriving any minute now. I wasn't looking forward to today, but it was exactly what I needed. A true day of rest to be geared up for a busy month ahead. A time to really reflect on what Easter means to me and how important this day is in my life.

Time to relax

Today has been fabulous. I did have to wake up TOO early and work for a few hours...but I got the rest of the day to myself to just chill. I also decided that the best way for me to spend my Easter is to REST. I am going to sleep in, maybe read some and just reeeelax. Life gets so busy and the days and weeks pass so flippin quickly so I am really thankful to have this time to regroup.
Next month, it looks like I'll be spending a week in Seattle/Portland. I can't wait to get home and see my friends and family. I am taking most of my trip to do my own thing and do all the things I never have time to do when I go home.
On a family update, my Grandpa was put in a nursing home and he is officially upset about it. It sounds like having the wrong drugs in his system was causing the hallucinations and overall he is now doing much better. There are still a lot of unanswered questions that I have and many things about the situation that seriously don't add up. But I know that all I can do is keep asking questions and that just worrying wont get me anywhere.
I do hope all of you have a fabulous Easter weekend!

A Shock

After a few months of silence, I got an email last night from my step-grandmother via my grandpa's account saying that he was in the hospital and having hallucinations and that he wasn't going to be coming home. It said that he was also denied access to a nursing home because they didn't have a mental ward. WEIRD! My grandpa has never been insane...like most of us, he's had depression from time to time, but this was news that came out of left field. So, I anxiously get on the phone with everyone that I can in my family and try to find out what is going on. It seems that my step-grandma has given up and no longer feels that she can care for him. I honestly don't know if my grandpa can survive being in a home. He has always hated them and I worry about his spirits when he is put in there. I found out today that its official...he will be transferred into a home on Friday. I feel so sad and so helpless being so far away. i know calls and that kind of stuff are important, but I wish he wasn't such a long and expensive plane ride away. I am sure that I will see him again...but it looks like the person I will see next wont be the same that I saw 2 years ago. The memories that I have I am holding onto so strongly...the hugs, the words he spoke...those things I cherish.

March Madness

No...not the basketball tourny...but my schedule. I have not stopped these past few weeks. Lots of changes. I'm getting settled into my 2nd job...its not so bad most of the time, but it does have its annoying moments. Although the cash it brings at the beginning of the week is happiness. I also volunteered for a big girl scout event last weekend. I got to do greeting and led games of twister. It was a blast hanging out with all the kids!
Big change this month...I have moved. The roommate thing was not a good idea for me, so I decided to rent an older townhouse that was much cheaper. This place is really cute and its nice to have my own place again. I love having my office back and my next project will be decorating the office. I'm thinking bright colors and lots of fun!
All of this whirlwind of activity and change has made me a tired tired girl. I have really neglected connecting with people and I know that is something that I need to have in my life daily. I know in this life, we are not meant to go it alone and I have spent a lot of time lately thinking about that truth. I tend to spend much of my day to day life without having personal interaction with others. I want to be deeper with the people in my life. Although I have so many important people far from me physically...I need to make a better effort to be closer to them and open myself up more. I do not need to walk through life with a sense of lonliness...I need to continue to put myself out there with the people that come across my path...whether they are down the street or across the country. People are the most important thing to have in our lives.

Things are so nuts right now

Hi all!!! What is up with life just getting away from not only me but so many of you as well. Has someone hit a speed button on the universe? February just FLEW by...ZIP ZIP ZIP. I had such a great time in North Carolina. It was great hanging out with students and seeing my band boys in action. The promoter for the event put us up in our own house and I got the whole downstairs to myself. It was so peaceful and the "mountains" were beautiful. We wanted to go see Biltmore, but the price tag to just go see a flippin house....$25 a person. NUTS. Anyway, the weekend was refreshing and I want to go back!
This week I started another job. I'm doing really good at it so far. Its nice to have a little self-confidence booster...even though the job is SO easy, its still a great feeling to have caught on so quickly and to be surpassing expectations.
Yay for March being here in just a few hours. Thoughts of springtime and renewal are so refreshing. I am looking forward to seeing buds on trees and flowers blooming and all the things that make me warm and fuzzy when its 70 degrees outside.

JUST another day...

Well, I figured I would do the trite post to this day. This year I actualy forgot for a majority of the day that celebrations happen all over the place today. In years past, I've spent the day being somewhat melancholy about my "table of one" status. I don't know if it was the whirlwind of activity or what but I didn't even think about it today. Today was JUST another day like the rest. It looks like I will be starting a 2nd job very soon. It will be another at home job...which will be great. I still have some details to work out with it, but this could be a good opprotunity to get a few extra dollars in the ol' pocket.
On another happy note, I get to get out of town this weekend! I get to be roadie/merch girl/pr girl/etc. for one of my bands all weekend. It will be my first trip actually traveling with a band and I am looking forward to it. So...if I don't write for a few days...that is where I am!
Happy Day to all my bloggy and real life friends. You guys rock!

Embracing who you are...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the life we've been given and the circumstances that come into life whether good or bad. Our lives are shaped by our reaction to the circumstnces that cross our path. I know I have failed many times in my bad reaction to circumstances. I know I've wasted much time pondering the "why me" question instead of putting up a fight and getting above my circumstances. Trials in life are meant to be learning experiences. I am finally ready to learn. I have made some big decisions the last few weeks to create a new beginning for myself. I have come to the conclusion that I really need to be willing to sacrifice for the greater good. I need to stop feelin like I am owed something, but instead to keep the long term vision in mind and realize that if I want my dreams to come sooner than later...there might be sacrifice required of me. I don't want ego to destoy my life. I don't want to think that I am above having hard times fall. I want to look for opptotunities around me to embrace this life that I've been given and to live it to the fullest. I want to look for opprotunities to be thankful for the many things I do have and the people in my life that have made my life fuller and richer.

Its about time...

We FINALLY got a snow day today! I woke up around 4 this morning and peeked outside and saw white! I felt like a little kid all giddy. I went back to sleep with the hope that the snow would still be there. There is definately something freeing and nostalgic about snow. Growing up in SW Wasthington, we also only got a couple days of snow a year and even just a little snow was enough for us to get the day off of school. One block away from me was a skateboard park...a little cement hill that became a place for us to sled with the right amount of snow. It was such a fun place during snow days..life was carefree. Now as an adult who isn't fond of cold weather...there is something still about bundleing up for snow that makes the cold worthwhile. (for the day :) )
On a side note...I was woken up a couple hours later...definately still too early to get up by a bunch of kids screaming as they were sledding in the hold behind my condo. Yes...the old person in me came out as I wanted to shout at those kids to keep quiet. hee hee

Friends and Starbucks

Sometimes this town is just too sureal. Today was one of those days. I was sitting in Starbucks having a meeting for work and the afternoon was filled with spottings. The best spotting by far was seeing the one and only Michael W. Smith. Such an iconic character in my teenage years. One of the very first cassettes that I owned was his...growing up he was always a musician that I wanted to meet but never had the opprotunity and today he was 10 feet away from me getting a cup of coffee. The strangest thing about Nashville is that musicians (especially Christian musicians) can just walk around and go about their lives without being bombarded by people (okay...so my gawking was a little over the top...but I'm talking in general here people). This guy who is really the most successful musician in the Christian music industry was able to walk into a crowded Starbuck, order coffee, talk to a couple kids, get his coffee and walk out just like all of us.
In conclusion...I am a nerd who is still a BIG fan at heart. Its refreshing to see that my jaded booking agent self isn't always winning the battle for my soul. :)

Randomness

Oh gosh. This week has been full of randomness. People have been really acting out of character. I have had many moments in the past couple days where I sit back, tilt my head, and say "reeeaalllyyyyy". Its quite the funny sight! Through it all I am resolved to hold my head high and not lose my character. I don't have the need to lower who I am in order to get my way. People that feel the need to bully or degrade in order to try and get what they want have no place in my life.
This last week my new church began a merge with another church. Funny thing is that the other church is a church I went to a couple years ago, but left for many reasons. Life is funny. I look forward to seeing the changes this will bring. Up until a couple years ago i was always very involved in church and different groups. It was my social life and the place where I felt connected both spiritually and emotionally. I have missed that part of myself greatly. I look forward to rediscovering her and seeing how she grows as time goes on. It makes me smile to see parts of that former person emerge. She is a little more grown up, a little more jaded and recently a lot more hopeful.