Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Long Goodbye has come to an End

Three years ago, I learned that my Grandpa was placed in a nursing home...that his health had deteriorated so much that he could no longer be taken care of at home. This was shocking news to hear. The shock continued when I heard the word...Alzheimer's. My strong Grandpa had been fighting this disease for years I was told. I didn't understand how that was possible because he always seemed so together, but there it was. As he got more confused and his health got worse, he still was able to know who I was and would tell me stories of growing up. Through circumstances beyond his control, over the past couple years he had been shifted between nursing homes and I had lost touch with him. I kept trying to get to the town he was, but airfare has not been my friend and when I was able to get to the was winter and I am not a snow driver. Fast forward to last week....
I got the call that my Grandpa was in the final stages of life. That his time on earth was coming to an end. It was a shock to my system. A few days later, on Friday, he left this earth. Thankfully, I was able to find where he was and call him during the week to say goodbye. Although he was unconscious, I do believe he heard my words and he has always known how much I love him. Due to finances, I am unable to travel across the country to be with my family and attend the funeral. Guilt creeps up on me for not being able to be there right now. My heard breaks knowing that I am so far way. But, that is how it is. I have to be okay with where things are at. I have to move forward. I can grieve from where I am. I can and will hold the memories that I have of the last 33 years with my Grandpa close to my heart.
I am so lucky to have had this man in my life. To know that he was proud of the person that I have become. To know that he loved me and wanted the best for me. To know that he was rooting for me. To know that he was the man in my brother's life for so long and that my brother had such an amazing man to look up to. It is for these things and many many more that I am sitting here thankful.
I will choose to give thanks and focus on the positive. Looking back with no regrets...

Thursday, February 04, 2010

The Game

The game...its exhausting. Trying to please people (as I am so apt to do) draining. Yeah, this is me...drained. I feel like I've been in a tug of war and I"m the rope. I have decided to stay put and make the best of my circumstances because I need to create a better story for myself. This decision is anything but easy. I feel like my dreams and desires are morphing...into what, I'm still not completely sure...but I sense a change coming on. I still feel a calling to students...but I think that I need to focus on pouring into the lives of their leaders (Youth Pastors/Volunteers). I think a lot of the "problems" with high school students right now stems from the fact that the adults in their lives are pretty apathetic. I believe that if these adults have resources and get ministered to that they will be able to more effectively reach students. I want to create opportunities for them to experience authentic relationships with people "in their same boat" and to know that they are not an island. I would love to see these leaders learning from each other. So that is a snapshot of the dream I see. Its huge...but I guess that is what makes it a dream...its bigger than what I can do on my own effort.
I just need the strength to make it through the here and now.

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