Connecting

Throughout my life there have been many different people that have come and gone, but that have left a mark on my life and helped create this mosaic that my life is today. The various experiences that sum up me today. I had a chance to re-connect with 2 of the more significant of those people this week. Out of the blue, I found out that my old youth pastor and his wife were in town and had been trying to find me. We ended up having dinner last night and for a few brief hours memory lane and the present collided. I have been extremely down the past several months and went into this dinner with somewhat high expectations but trying to remind myself that people change and the strong connection we all once had might not be there. I was wrong. Without me having to say a whole lot, they were speaking into my life and encouraging/challenging me. In this world, where I feel so alone and isolated, it is reassuring that there are still people that can break through and reach this sometimes unreachable person.

Taking a Short Break...

I needed to take a few minutes to be somewhat creative. So as you can see...my blog has a new look. Not necessarily the look I was going for...but I need to really take more time to figure out new templates and how to get them to look good. Anyway, welcome to the new Spring look! So guess what I noticed today...green things on trees!!! YAY...the first hints of real spring. New life appearing! So refreshing. I am still searching for my new life or a renewal of the life I have. Next week is Gospel Music Week in Nashville and I actually have several of the artists that I work with that will be here this year. I am hoping that being around them for a few days will breathe a new passion in me. Well back to work for me. Remember when weekends actually meant something? :)

My new home in the country!

I have been in my new home for officially a month today! It has been quite the change and not something that I ever pictured for myself...well, not in many MANY years. I have become quite the city/town girl over the years. This place was too good to pass up though so here I am. Acres of land surround me and there are 3 horses on the property. The massiveness of the horses scares me at times, but then I get reminded of how gentle they actually are. It is peaceful out here. Outside my office, I can see a pond and even just that little bit of water sends a calming around me. I am looking forward to warmer weather so I can spend more time outside enjoying all the space I've been given. Even though it wasn't some place that I imagined being, it is the place I believe I need to be. I am also living with another person again. I am breaking the cardinal rule of roommates and living with an old friend. It has been a good thing so far. Of course there are the times of selfishness and getting used to another person, but it also has been nice to have someone to talk to.

Here's a pic of the land that surrounds me....

Rain

Yes, it is raining outside today. As I listen to the water drop on my rooftop, and window and see all the dreariness of this day, I am reminded of the dreary condition that has enveloped my heart. I am not sure where the sadness began, but it has become a part of who I presently am. I am in need of a change, but I don't know what that is. Or maybe I do know and I am just too scared to take those steps. The dreary, damp places are confusing.
The other truth I know about rain...especially rain in Spring is that without it, there would be no growth. That we have to go through these times of ickyness in order to see beauty. By surrendering to the rain and allowing it to do its job, the trees and ground are transformed. They have new life. I need to hold onto that truth for myself. I want to experience the growth that awaits me. I just need to allow the rain to do its thing.

new thoughts

So, I guess I've been neglecting the ol' blog again. *sigh* I've been in a funk to say the least. I've been trying to find a house, making the decision to have a roommate or not, getting discouraged about finances...blah blah blah. So...I found a house and am going to be living with a roommate. The house is going to be a big help in the finance department and I think its going to be a great house. It was not a place I ever pictured myself in, but I know this is where I am suppose to be. Did I mention its an actual HOUSE??? Yeah...I'm looking forward to being out of townhome living. I move in 2 weeks and have so much packing to do between now and then. I can't wait for this new beginning. I feel like the world is before me once again and I have a chance to start over. The house is out in the country and in a different town than I've been living in, so I'm looking forward to the change of scenery and change of pace.
In the spirit of catching up...I did have an amazing time on my vacation. I can't wait to go back. I did come home and would up with the flu over Christmas. NOT fun!

I am the planning maniac

10 more days folks! Then, I'm outta here and will be in the land of sunshine and all the happiness I can stand. I can't stop planning my trip. What I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to buy...I'm obsessed with vacation. I am reading all kinds of reviews from people that have done Disney by themselves. I keep reading the menus of the places I'm eating and deciding NOW what I want to eat. Its crazy! I guess my super type-A personality is kicking into high gear and I love it! Being prepared is allowing me to see the fun times ahead. Call me crazy. Who out there likes to plan plan plan and who just goes with the flow...whatever happens happens?

Hi Blogland!

Life has been running faster than I can think. For the most part things have been good. There have been some disappointments over the last 2 months and some struggles but I am embracing those things and have determined in my heart to not let those things cloud my vision. A couple weeks ago I had some good friends from home come visit and it was so refreshing. The 5 days with them were full of laughter and memories. The long weekend goes down in my life as one of the best times ever. There is something surreal about being around people that have known you for the majority of your life, but they click with the person you've become. After that visit, I went to Atlanta for another youth pastor convention. The week was filled with lots of work but it was great to reconnect with people.
In my hiatus time away from you all, I turned 31. It was a GREAT day! I hiked, went out to lunch with a good friend, went wine tasting and the day was topped off with dinner with friends. After dinner, I was given the best surprise ever! All of my bands and my bosses chipped in and gave me a 5 day Disney World vacation! The vacation I've been wanting to do for so long, but finances kept getting in the way. I was so blown away by all of their generosity! I leave in just over 2 weeks!!! I have not been able to stop looking at planning websites and scoping out my plan of attack for the week. I am just so thrilled to have 5 whole days to myself with no phone or computer to take my time. I don't think I've ever gone this long without thinking about or doing work. Every other time I get out of town, I am still reachable...but not this time! This trip is definately what I have needed to lift my spirits and keep surging ahead!

Ok...wait a minute..

How is it October already? How am I turning *gasp* 31 in 23 days? I've been trying to keep my head above water lately. Trying to rebuild the business and it is a slow process. The downtimes can really be scary and you hope for the light at the end of the tunnel, but it keeps moving further back. Its frustrating. Normally at about this time of the year I do lots of traveling for work. Its a time of excitement for me...a time that gets me through. This year, we aren't doing those events. I have to admit that its hard on me knowing that I'm not getting out of here this month...that I'm not seeing my customers face to face. I am trying hard to get beyond that and keep motivated.
On a more happy note...even with all the stress around me I am planning a vacation. I am looking at taking myself to Disney World. I am looking to be gone 4 days. A glorious 4 days of no internet or phone. Its gonna be weird. Its gonna be good for me to be at a place where I cannot connect to the world easily. Whenever I get out of town to visit family or things like that...I still end up doing some work. I need time to get away and regroup. Time to disconnect from the overwhelming stress. Have any of you guys done a vacation on your own? Any tips?

what a week..

Yesterday I got the call from my dad that my Grandma had passed in the morning. This week has been a struggle. My mind flooded with memories both good and bad. I had a chance Wednesday to tell her goodbye. it was difficult, but it helped to let go and deal with it all.

Sometimes when you come back to reality...you REALLY come back to reality

Remember how I got the chance to go back home in May? It was such a great trip and I had a chance to reconnect with some family. One of these people was my Grandma. She and I have not always had the greatest road. Some incredibly destructive things happened in my young life that she had the power to protect me from but instead she made me believe I was in the wrong. As I grew up, the gap between us got narrower but it was still there. I knew that she had regretted mistakes that were made and she turned her life around as much as she could.
After our visit in May, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. It has progressed quickly and yesterday she was given less than 48 hours to live. This has been a whirlwind of shock for me. I am so thankful for that time that I had to spend with her and I know that in the midst of all of this...nothing else than letting her know how loved she is matters. Through her life, I have seen that no matter how many mistakes you make, that there can be redemption. She would say that the last 15 years of her life have been the best ever. That after being with so many frogs, that at 70 she finally found her prince.
I pray that these last few moments of her life are filled with peace and comfort.
Here is the last picture I have of her with my dad, brother and his family.

The Time Has Arrived

In about 24 hours I will take off for the mountains of North Carolina. The next day, bands from various parts of the country will join us and the conference that I've been working so hard on will begin. The past few months have been quite a journey. I have been consumed with thoughts of failure and unknown. I have been pushed and stretched. I have been broken numerous times and put back together. Some scars are still there...some are healing. This has been one of the most grueling times of my life. I am spent.
I am also proud. In the face of opposition and complete exhaustion...I stuck to my guns. I found my strength. I found determination. I did not quit. I am still standing. And yes...I am getting back in the trenches for next year.
I am looking forward to this time of seeing the fruits of my labor. Meeting these artists that I have only talked to on the phone. Hearing some great speakers. Enjoying a concert by one of my favorite bands and hanging out with 2 of MY bands that will be with us this weekend. I am looking forward to being in the mountains and away from the 100+ degree weather that has annoyed me to no end. I am looking forward to when this is over and my life can get back to a state of normalcy.

Seasons

This weekend I was talking with a friend about how much I was looking forward to fall and the cold weather. I then jokingly made the comment that in 6 months I'll be complaining about how cold it is and wanting summer again. :) As I continue to walk this life I've been given, I love seasons. One of the things that I do love about Nashville is that we do have the 4 seasons. Fall and Spring are short, but we have them...leaves change colors, temperatures are pleasant and then the sight of the new blooms in the spring. I remember times that I would just long for summer and the break from constant rain that Washington gets. Now, in Nashville...I am so over the days and days of 100+ temperatures and long for days of hoodies, blankets and the smell of fireplaces. I know this time in life is just around the corner and I look forward to the change.

Its here!!!

and oh so pretty. How horrible is it to love a piece of technology so much. :)
Bare with me this month as its gonna be packed to the gills with work stress. I hope to get a few moments to touch base with you guys!

Patience

So, my little ibook has decided that it is time to go to another home. This has given me the chance to upgrade to a pretty new black macbook! I am so excited!!! I went to go pick it up last night and the new computer had dead pixels. *sad* Now, I have to wait a few more days for the macbook fun to begin.

Neglect

Hi friends! *waving* Sorry, I've been so negligent to keep you up to date on the happenings around here. I honestly don't know how all of a sudden its the middle of July. YIKES! Work has been taking up incredibly too much of my time recently, but I've also been on a discovery of strength. I've been lacking in strength both physical and emotional for way to long. The funny thing about losing strength is you don't realize how you were lacking it until you start gaining it again. Due to other physical problems, I've once again become anemic. But this time, I've become super anemic and am having to make some changes, take a ton of iron and stop beating myself up for wanting to sleep all.the.time and being so stinkin' forgetful. I've also taken stock in my emotional strength and not trying to not allow myself to be walked all over by people. To value myself and the person that God has created me to be. This person is not a doormat, but a strong independent woman who can kick ass when needed. (ok...so i need a bit more physical strength to do that, but you get the picture)
Now for the PSA portion of my blog. I have a new addiction....Vitamin Water. This stuff is amazing! Its depleting my bank account very quickly, but I love the stuff. All the yummy flavors are making it easy to get in the water that I need and then some. The stuff is so good that I'm normally choosing that over pop. That is a big accomplishment for me.
I hope all of you guys are doing well! I've missed writing to you, although I have been blog stalking all of you!

Amazed

This last week and beginning this week have been filled with chaos and trying to solve problems for other people. Trying to relieve the stress of those around me, while all the while my own stress was building. One day a major problem got solved, then 2 days later it got unsolved and has escalated into a total mess. In dealing with this, I've seen human nature at its worst. On another hand, it has been refreshing that my ultimate outlook on this is that I've done all I can to fix the situation and if the others involved don't want to accept the outcome, there is nothing more I can do.
On top of trying to make sure this situation was taken care of, my own difficulties have been brewing. I finally decided to ask for help. Last week I joined my church and even though I haven't really made great connections, I felt that I just needed to make the leap and that I was in the right place. Anyway, I realized this weekend that I wasn't going to be able to pull myself out of the stress of overdue bills by myself; that the income I was counting on making its way into my account wasn't coming when it needed to. So, I humbled myself and asked for help from my church. Without the 3ed degree or any long process, I was given the help I needed, no strings attached. It still blows me away that I'm truly being taken care of. It was such a fabulous reminder in the midst of a pulling my hair out kind of week, that Someone has my back! For so long I've failed to believe that I would ever see no strings attached help. Its refreshing to see a bit of hope.

Such a great time was had!

My week in the northwest was amazing! So relaxing and fun to hang out with my friends (and the time with family wasn't bad either...hee hee). As always, I took this time away from the routine to really take stock at where I am in life. I had such a sense of freedom and destress that I realized how much I have to start protecting myself and my time. I need more balance in life and I need to start fighting for that. I am a person that has always been able to make things happen. I wanted to be a teacher...I did it. I wanted to work in music...I did it. I've stopped making things happen for myself. I want a social life, but I've felt paralyzed to make that happen. No longer! I want to get out there and take some hours in my week to get to know people and be out doing things that I love to do. I need to be my number one priority...not my career. I've struggled most of my adult life with being identified by my career and that has become a crippling identity. I know I have to be so much more than what I *do*.

I'm gettin' outta town!

In less than 2 weeks now, I will be going to Seattle and Portland! I am soooo thrilled to get a week to see friends, a little bit of family and just see the beauty that is my old home...the Northwest. I have so much to do to plan and prepare. So much work that needs to be done so I can just go and be. I have one dilemma about this trip. My desire is to be selfish on this trip and make this my vacation...to see the people I want to see and do the things I want to do. Already, the tug of war begins. I have 1 family obligation...my brother is graduating college, but I don't want that event to drag into a multi-day affair. I want to come down for graduation, spend the evening with the family and jet back to Seattle as soon as I can the next day.
Have any of you guys done that...gone "home", but wanted to experience home in your new adult eyes? Treated home like any other vacation spot? How does that work? How do you set boundaries without causing a riot?

GMA Week

This week was the annual big week of the year in my industry. For 5 days, downtown Nashville is swallowed up by musicians and professionals in the christian music industry. This year was a bit different for me as my company decided to have a booth in the exhibit hall. It was my *lovely* job to be in the exhibit hall ALL day for 4 days. It made for VERY long days and today I have been wiped out. I did get a chance to meet some great people and got out of my shell a bit to make some good industry connections.
I really enjoy watching human behavior at events like this. Seeing the people that try to make themselves seem like a big deal to everyone around them, and bands that just want to be noticed by anyone. On the other hand, I had people talk to me that I thought would be too "important" to give me a time of day, and some really cool bands that hung out with me.
One funny story from the week....my boss has a pretty twisted sense of humor and last week we had joked around that he needed to bring his Jesus doll with him this week. He decided to do that and we placed Jesus on our table to see who would notice. it is a cool doll that has the hair of a troll doll. Anyway...we had him out one day and maybe 2 people noticed. Then, the next day we got into the booth and Jesus was gone! We looked everywhere for him and he was GONE. Someone stole Jesus!!! It was quite a surprise and it really took some guts for someone at a Christian music convention to steal Jesus!

All That I Had Hoped For

Today was a different kind of perfect. It was a holiday spent alone, but it was wonderful. I feel rested! I got caught up on things that I needed to do. I made myself a YUMMY Easter dinner. I watched movies and laid on the couch and I READ. Fabulous! And to top it off...I have surprises from Ikea arriving any minute now. I wasn't looking forward to today, but it was exactly what I needed. A true day of rest to be geared up for a busy month ahead. A time to really reflect on what Easter means to me and how important this day is in my life.