Progress

They say it takes 30 days to create a habit. I can say that new habits have started in my life and these are great habits to have. I am thrilled that I am getting closer to God and understanding once again the joy that comes in that relationship. I also am still watching what I eat...I have re-introduced some "normal" foods back into my diet, but they are very balanced. I have been slacking on the veggies at dinner lately so I do need to get back on track with that. 6 days ago I started "The 30 day Shred"...I've done it for 4 of those days and it is really kicking me into shape! I love being challenged and this is right up my alley. The big excitement through all of this is that as of Monday, I have lost 16lbs in the last 5 weeks! I'm hoping by re-introducing working out into my routine that the scale will continue to go down a bit more quickly than it has the past couple weeks.
On a different note, I am SO ready for fall to get here! The changing of the leaves and the cooler weather energize me! I love the change of seasons!

Heart Transplant

This is what I've feel that I've gotten...
For so long I've struggled with "the funk". I've gone through life dreary, trying to do things on my own. Trying to hold onto a relationship with God that I really haven't been sure I've wanted, but I've wanted to want it. I've struggled with making decisions and then actually taking the action to follow through with them.
Last month I had an amazing week in Seattle with my BFF and through that week, I saw a life that I could have...a life that I want, but have been missing out on. After returning home and decompressing from my time away, I realized once again that I have squandered away too much time. Something finally clicked and I am putting my realizations into action and actually making the changes necessary to get my life back.
On the Spiritual side of life, I've committing to not starting my work day until I've spent time in prayer and the bible. It has really amazed me how coming back to this habit is truly lifting my heart and I'm not feeling as dark as I have been. People have always said that when God seems far away, its because you moved...that He is always there waiting to hang out with us. I've seen that truth in my life so much the past couple weeks. I'm so grateful for that and humbled.
Another change that I'm making in my life is to eat right and work out again. I have a massive amount of me that needs to disappear and I am believing that if I can stick with ridding myself of sugar and white bread/flour and eating more dark veggies, and protein that I will be where I need to be before I turn 35 next year. I'm starting with a pretty drastic change in how I eat and after I reach my first goal, I will start re-introducing more of the foods that I like...but healthier (like whole wheat flour/pasta). I'm also working out about every other day...its a great way to end the day and decompress. I will keep track of my progress on here..but so far I'm feeling so much better and feel like I have real energy.
Change is happening and I like it!

Trust

I've always thought of myself as a fairly trusting person. I want to believe the best in people and trust that they would do the right thing in different situations. I've been burned way too many times throughout life and my trust in people has dwindled. I have a hard time seeing pure motives in others and now I tend to see the worst in people before the best.
Today, I came across this verse in Isaiah..."a trusting life will not topple". These words hit me like a ton of bricks! Trust needs to be part of the foundation of my life. As I've been mulling over these words, I've come to realize that my trust does not need to lie in other people. They are human...they will fail me. I put way too much stock in others...wanting them to meet my needs and fulfill me. The past several years of life, I've come to put way more pressure of other people in my life and I've stopped trusting God to take care of me. My life has become completely unstable and out of control. Professionally, so many people have come and gone after getting what they wanted out of my company. I've felt used and abused. It has sucked the life out of me. This has been the reason I've wanted to throw in the towel and get out of this business. This morning I realized that although people have repeatedly hurt me, my foundation needs to be rooted in Christ. if I can place my trust in Him, He will become my stability. I can stop putting so much stock in the people around me and start being the person I need to be.
How easy is it for you to trust?

Facelift

I am so excited about the new design of my blog. Maybe this will encourage me to write more. I have fought doing the blogger update, but now that I have...I love that I can have a blog that reflects me a little bit more.

The Long Goodbye has come to an End

Three years ago, I learned that my Grandpa was placed in a nursing home...that his health had deteriorated so much that he could no longer be taken care of at home. This was shocking news to hear. The shock continued when I heard the word...Alzheimer's. My strong Grandpa had been fighting this disease for years I was told. I didn't understand how that was possible because he always seemed so together, but there it was. As he got more confused and his health got worse, he still was able to know who I was and would tell me stories of growing up. Through circumstances beyond his control, over the past couple years he had been shifted between nursing homes and I had lost touch with him. I kept trying to get to the town he was, but airfare has not been my friend and when I was able to get to the Northwest...it was winter and I am not a snow driver. Fast forward to last week....
I got the call that my Grandpa was in the final stages of life. That his time on earth was coming to an end. It was a shock to my system. A few days later, on Friday, he left this earth. Thankfully, I was able to find where he was and call him during the week to say goodbye. Although he was unconscious, I do believe he heard my words and he has always known how much I love him. Due to finances, I am unable to travel across the country to be with my family and attend the funeral. Guilt creeps up on me for not being able to be there right now. My heard breaks knowing that I am so far way. But, that is how it is. I have to be okay with where things are at. I have to move forward. I can grieve from where I am. I can and will hold the memories that I have of the last 33 years with my Grandpa close to my heart.
I am so lucky to have had this man in my life. To know that he was proud of the person that I have become. To know that he loved me and wanted the best for me. To know that he was rooting for me. To know that he was the man in my brother's life for so long and that my brother had such an amazing man to look up to. It is for these things and many many more that I am sitting here thankful.
I will choose to give thanks and focus on the positive. Looking back with no regrets...

The Game

The game...its exhausting. Trying to please people (as I am so apt to do)...is draining. Yeah, this is me...drained. I feel like I've been in a tug of war and I"m the rope. I have decided to stay put and make the best of my circumstances because I need to create a better story for myself. This decision is anything but easy. I feel like my dreams and desires are morphing...into what, I'm still not completely sure...but I sense a change coming on. I still feel a calling to students...but I think that I need to focus on pouring into the lives of their leaders (Youth Pastors/Volunteers). I think a lot of the "problems" with high school students right now stems from the fact that the adults in their lives are pretty apathetic. I believe that if these adults have resources and get ministered to that they will be able to more effectively reach students. I want to create opportunities for them to experience authentic relationships with people "in their same boat" and to know that they are not an island. I would love to see these leaders learning from each other. So that is a snapshot of the dream I see. Its huge...but I guess that is what makes it a dream...its bigger than what I can do on my own effort.
I just need the strength to make it through the here and now.

Widget

Everything...

Life has been..messy lately. Circumstances have entered my life that are completely out of my control. I am experiencing an extremely deep loss and going through multiple versions of the grief process. My extended family is experiencing a situation that I would not wish on anyone. Its heart-wrenching. I can't go into a ton of detail because I'm not sure how far this news has gotten, but I'm feeling so many different things and its part of my experience. So here I go.
I am really struggling with what love really means and how you live that out. How do you love someone and reconcile that love with anger over their wrong actions. How do you accept someone in spite of a devastating hurt? My faith tells me that God loves me unconditionally and that I need to love others in that same way. But my humanity tells me that I'm angry, sad, ripped apart because of the actions of someone else. There are just no right answers in all this. There is no good outcome. There are consequences. Life has been completely turned upside down, inside out and ripped into little sheds all over this. So, I sit here wondering how to love in the face of all of this and how that love really looks. And maybe not how to still love them, but how to like them.

Glimpse of Hope

Ever so slowly, things are beginning to look up. Since it is not my nature to be patient...this process has been killing my spirit. I haven't blogged in so long because I have just had dark thoughts that I thought would frighten you lovely blog readers. It hurts my heart to be so dark..anyone that knows me knows that I am normally a happy person, but I haven't known that person in so long. I am trying everything I can to bring that person back in some shape and form. I am finally seeing glimpses of joy again.
Last week was GMA week here in Nashville and for the first time in a couple years I was not stuck behind a booth or given a spot to stand and promote a show. I was free to attend meetings, see concerts and just be a fan. I was in some pretty exciting meetings and met with artists that have big visions. These artists (barring they choose to work with us) will stretch me in new areas. I will be expanding what I do beyond the typical youth group events that we've been focusing on. I've been hoping for fresh ideas to come and I'm seeing them. I desire to be challenged, but also NEED to see the rewards for that. I need to be seeing fruits of my labor. Now the prayer is that these new artists will come to fruition and that I will be selling these new events like wildfire.
In other news, I started teaching preschool for a church last month. I wasn't quite sure that I would be good at this...its been MANY years since I've taught Sunday School and never for kids this young. Its been a fun adventure. The kids are probably teaching me more than I'm teaching them.
Sorry for all the random thoughts. It is late and my brain is fried, but I needed to get this stuff out of my head and shared with all of you.

Eight Things

Kendra tagged me and i just have to take part.

8 things I am looking forward to:

1. Going to Atlanta this weekend
2. Signing some new artists to work with
3. My aunt and uncles upcoming adoption
4. Meeting my new cousin!
5. Meeting my new "niece" (sonja's little girl making her debut this summer)
6. Getting financially stable
7. All the traveling this fall I hope
8. Having the house to myself for a week next month

8 things I did yesterday:

1. Woke up too early when I wanted to sleep in
2. Facebook
3. Watched 24
4. Ate meals
5. Read blogs
6. Drank coffee
7. Did laundry
8. Organized and cleaned my room


8 things I wish I could do:

1. Draw
2. Make more money
3. Be more outgoing
4. Get skinny again
5. Not be so angry
6. Have more trust in God
7. Get my own house
8. Travel more


8 Shows I watch

1. 24
2. American Idol
3. The Office
4. The Hills
5. Desperate Housewives
6. Brothers and Sisters
7. Private Practice
8. Lie to Me

Song List

"Your iPod says alot about you..."
1. Put your iPod (or media player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN, NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy this quiz as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
We
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Few Days Down
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Steadfast Love
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Call me when you are sober
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Carry On
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Amazing Grace
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Found
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Stay Up
WHAT IS 2+2?
How Great
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Wonderful maker
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Eternal
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Sea of Forgetfulness
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Gomer's Theme
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Could Be the One (NICE!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Headwires
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Misfit Me....(no thanks)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One Thing
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Be Praised
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Half Right
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Gold Digger...(HAHA)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Makes me Wonder
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
You are the Judas of the Cheerleader Squad
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Hide Myself in You
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Lonely People
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Solace
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Everything's Just Wonderful
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Show Me Everything You've Got
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Victory
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Leave the Pieces
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Heartland

Holidays with the Relatives

So, it has been YEARS since I"ve been with my family on any holiday. I think its been at least 5 years...maybe longer. It was a refreshing to be back around the old traditions and to "morph" back into my role in the family. When it came to preparing for dinner, I jumped in and did as much as I could. When it came to dinner time and sitting around the table, I listened to the stories being told around me. It was fun to watch a new generation of kid's table residents coming up through the trenches. Being around family is always filled with so many emotions...happiness, fun, sadness about those who are missing, and the pressure of being so far away. One thing that I walked away from during the week was that I am where I am suppose to be for now. That I probably need to see my family more often, but that is not my home. I needed that reassurance and have been begging God for direction and feel that I got it.

Traveling time

I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. In just 11 days, I will get to spend 10 days in the PNW with my fam. I'm so looking forward to the change of scenery (even the dark, rainy scenery). I'll get to see lots of my family members and meet my newest niece for the first time. I've really been struggling in the day to day of life lately so having a change is really filling me with excitement. I ALSO just started making plans to return to Disney World at the end of January. I got a great deal that makes doing this trip really hard to pass up. 7 nights and 8 days away from the real world will be so refreshing! I'm so glad I have these things to look forward to!

New opportunity!

I just signed up for a fun, new program that will cultivate the creative side of me that has been buried for so long. One of the major book publishers is recruiting for volunteers to review their new books. I'm so excited to be able to get my hands on some free books, take time to READ and to spend some time writing! So, from time to time, you will be seeing some reviews on this site. Let the fun begin!

update

Yes...you can just call me negligent. Life has been happening so fast and so slow all at once. Finally conference stuff is done and I am beginning to feel normal again. I'm trying to get back into the swing of booking which always prove to be tougher than I want it to be. I just need to refocus my mindset.
Also, adding to the frenzy of life, I am having to figure out a new living situation. Lately the plan keeps changing once a week and here I am again wondering what to do. I just want some stability,
I did get past a cancer scare last week. You never want the doctor to tell you that they think you have a mass. I got it checked out and the wait was so long for the results. All clear, so that is a huge relief and I don't want to go through that again.
Sorry that this post is so all over the place. My brain is officially mush. I hope to have more clarity next time.

Connecting

Throughout my life there have been many different people that have come and gone, but that have left a mark on my life and helped create this mosaic that my life is today. The various experiences that sum up me today. I had a chance to re-connect with 2 of the more significant of those people this week. Out of the blue, I found out that my old youth pastor and his wife were in town and had been trying to find me. We ended up having dinner last night and for a few brief hours memory lane and the present collided. I have been extremely down the past several months and went into this dinner with somewhat high expectations but trying to remind myself that people change and the strong connection we all once had might not be there. I was wrong. Without me having to say a whole lot, they were speaking into my life and encouraging/challenging me. In this world, where I feel so alone and isolated, it is reassuring that there are still people that can break through and reach this sometimes unreachable person.

Taking a Short Break...

I needed to take a few minutes to be somewhat creative. So as you can see...my blog has a new look. Not necessarily the look I was going for...but I need to really take more time to figure out new templates and how to get them to look good. Anyway, welcome to the new Spring look! So guess what I noticed today...green things on trees!!! YAY...the first hints of real spring. New life appearing! So refreshing. I am still searching for my new life or a renewal of the life I have. Next week is Gospel Music Week in Nashville and I actually have several of the artists that I work with that will be here this year. I am hoping that being around them for a few days will breathe a new passion in me. Well back to work for me. Remember when weekends actually meant something? :)

My new home in the country!

I have been in my new home for officially a month today! It has been quite the change and not something that I ever pictured for myself...well, not in many MANY years. I have become quite the city/town girl over the years. This place was too good to pass up though so here I am. Acres of land surround me and there are 3 horses on the property. The massiveness of the horses scares me at times, but then I get reminded of how gentle they actually are. It is peaceful out here. Outside my office, I can see a pond and even just that little bit of water sends a calming around me. I am looking forward to warmer weather so I can spend more time outside enjoying all the space I've been given. Even though it wasn't some place that I imagined being, it is the place I believe I need to be. I am also living with another person again. I am breaking the cardinal rule of roommates and living with an old friend. It has been a good thing so far. Of course there are the times of selfishness and getting used to another person, but it also has been nice to have someone to talk to.

Here's a pic of the land that surrounds me....

Rain

Yes, it is raining outside today. As I listen to the water drop on my rooftop, and window and see all the dreariness of this day, I am reminded of the dreary condition that has enveloped my heart. I am not sure where the sadness began, but it has become a part of who I presently am. I am in need of a change, but I don't know what that is. Or maybe I do know and I am just too scared to take those steps. The dreary, damp places are confusing.
The other truth I know about rain...especially rain in Spring is that without it, there would be no growth. That we have to go through these times of ickyness in order to see beauty. By surrendering to the rain and allowing it to do its job, the trees and ground are transformed. They have new life. I need to hold onto that truth for myself. I want to experience the growth that awaits me. I just need to allow the rain to do its thing.

new thoughts

So, I guess I've been neglecting the ol' blog again. *sigh* I've been in a funk to say the least. I've been trying to find a house, making the decision to have a roommate or not, getting discouraged about finances...blah blah blah. So...I found a house and am going to be living with a roommate. The house is going to be a big help in the finance department and I think its going to be a great house. It was not a place I ever pictured myself in, but I know this is where I am suppose to be. Did I mention its an actual HOUSE??? Yeah...I'm looking forward to being out of townhome living. I move in 2 weeks and have so much packing to do between now and then. I can't wait for this new beginning. I feel like the world is before me once again and I have a chance to start over. The house is out in the country and in a different town than I've been living in, so I'm looking forward to the change of scenery and change of pace.
In the spirit of catching up...I did have an amazing time on my vacation. I can't wait to go back. I did come home and would up with the flu over Christmas. NOT fun!