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Everything...

Life has been..messy lately. Circumstances have entered my life that are completely out of my control. I am experiencing an extremely deep loss and going through multiple versions of the grief process. My extended family is experiencing a situation that I would not wish on anyone. Its heart-wrenching. I can't go into a ton of detail because I'm not sure how far this news has gotten, but I'm feeling so many different things and its part of my experience. So here I go.
I am really struggling with what love really means and how you live that out. How do you love someone and reconcile that love with anger over their wrong actions. How do you accept someone in spite of a devastating hurt? My faith tells me that God loves me unconditionally and that I need to love others in that same way. But my humanity tells me that I'm angry, sad, ripped apart because of the actions of someone else. There are just no right answers in all this. There is no good outcome. There are consequences. Life has been completely turned upside down, inside out and ripped into little sheds all over this. So, I sit here wondering how to love in the face of all of this and how that love really looks. And maybe not how to still love them, but how to like them.

Glimpse of Hope

Ever so slowly, things are beginning to look up. Since it is not my nature to be patient...this process has been killing my spirit. I haven't blogged in so long because I have just had dark thoughts that I thought would frighten you lovely blog readers. It hurts my heart to be so dark..anyone that knows me knows that I am normally a happy person, but I haven't known that person in so long. I am trying everything I can to bring that person back in some shape and form. I am finally seeing glimpses of joy again.
Last week was GMA week here in Nashville and for the first time in a couple years I was not stuck behind a booth or given a spot to stand and promote a show. I was free to attend meetings, see concerts and just be a fan. I was in some pretty exciting meetings and met with artists that have big visions. These artists (barring they choose to work with us) will stretch me in new areas. I will be expanding what I do beyond the typical youth group events that we've been focusing on. I've been hoping for fresh ideas to come and I'm seeing them. I desire to be challenged, but also NEED to see the rewards for that. I need to be seeing fruits of my labor. Now the prayer is that these new artists will come to fruition and that I will be selling these new events like wildfire.
In other news, I started teaching preschool for a church last month. I wasn't quite sure that I would be good at this...its been MANY years since I've taught Sunday School and never for kids this young. Its been a fun adventure. The kids are probably teaching me more than I'm teaching them.
Sorry for all the random thoughts. It is late and my brain is fried, but I needed to get this stuff out of my head and shared with all of you.

Eight Things

Kendra tagged me and i just have to take part.

8 things I am looking forward to:

1. Going to Atlanta this weekend
2. Signing some new artists to work with
3. My aunt and uncles upcoming adoption
4. Meeting my new cousin!
5. Meeting my new "niece" (sonja's little girl making her debut this summer)
6. Getting financially stable
7. All the traveling this fall I hope
8. Having the house to myself for a week next month

8 things I did yesterday:

1. Woke up too early when I wanted to sleep in
2. Facebook
3. Watched 24
4. Ate meals
5. Read blogs
6. Drank coffee
7. Did laundry
8. Organized and cleaned my room


8 things I wish I could do:

1. Draw
2. Make more money
3. Be more outgoing
4. Get skinny again
5. Not be so angry
6. Have more trust in God
7. Get my own house
8. Travel more


8 Shows I watch

1. 24
2. American Idol
3. The Office
4. The Hills
5. Desperate Housewives
6. Brothers and Sisters
7. Private Practice
8. Lie to Me

Song List

"Your iPod says alot about you..."
1. Put your iPod (or media player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN, NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy this quiz as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
We
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Few Days Down
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Steadfast Love
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Call me when you are sober
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Carry On
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Amazing Grace
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Found
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Stay Up
WHAT IS 2+2?
How Great
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Wonderful maker
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Eternal
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Sea of Forgetfulness
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Gomer's Theme
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Could Be the One (NICE!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Headwires
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Misfit Me....(no thanks)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One Thing
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Be Praised
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Half Right
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Gold Digger...(HAHA)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Makes me Wonder
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Boulevard of Broken Dreams
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
You are the Judas of the Cheerleader Squad
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Hide Myself in You
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Lonely People
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Solace
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Everything's Just Wonderful
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Show Me Everything You've Got
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Victory
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Leave the Pieces
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Heartland

Holidays with the Relatives

So, it has been YEARS since I"ve been with my family on any holiday. I think its been at least 5 years...maybe longer. It was a refreshing to be back around the old traditions and to "morph" back into my role in the family. When it came to preparing for dinner, I jumped in and did as much as I could. When it came to dinner time and sitting around the table, I listened to the stories being told around me. It was fun to watch a new generation of kid's table residents coming up through the trenches. Being around family is always filled with so many emotions...happiness, fun, sadness about those who are missing, and the pressure of being so far away. One thing that I walked away from during the week was that I am where I am suppose to be for now. That I probably need to see my family more often, but that is not my home. I needed that reassurance and have been begging God for direction and feel that I got it.

Traveling time

I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. In just 11 days, I will get to spend 10 days in the PNW with my fam. I'm so looking forward to the change of scenery (even the dark, rainy scenery). I'll get to see lots of my family members and meet my newest niece for the first time. I've really been struggling in the day to day of life lately so having a change is really filling me with excitement. I ALSO just started making plans to return to Disney World at the end of January. I got a great deal that makes doing this trip really hard to pass up. 7 nights and 8 days away from the real world will be so refreshing! I'm so glad I have these things to look forward to!

New opportunity!

I just signed up for a fun, new program that will cultivate the creative side of me that has been buried for so long. One of the major book publishers is recruiting for volunteers to review their new books. I'm so excited to be able to get my hands on some free books, take time to READ and to spend some time writing! So, from time to time, you will be seeing some reviews on this site. Let the fun begin!

update

Yes...you can just call me negligent. Life has been happening so fast and so slow all at once. Finally conference stuff is done and I am beginning to feel normal again. I'm trying to get back into the swing of booking which always prove to be tougher than I want it to be. I just need to refocus my mindset.
Also, adding to the frenzy of life, I am having to figure out a new living situation. Lately the plan keeps changing once a week and here I am again wondering what to do. I just want some stability,
I did get past a cancer scare last week. You never want the doctor to tell you that they think you have a mass. I got it checked out and the wait was so long for the results. All clear, so that is a huge relief and I don't want to go through that again.
Sorry that this post is so all over the place. My brain is officially mush. I hope to have more clarity next time.

Connecting

Throughout my life there have been many different people that have come and gone, but that have left a mark on my life and helped create this mosaic that my life is today. The various experiences that sum up me today. I had a chance to re-connect with 2 of the more significant of those people this week. Out of the blue, I found out that my old youth pastor and his wife were in town and had been trying to find me. We ended up having dinner last night and for a few brief hours memory lane and the present collided. I have been extremely down the past several months and went into this dinner with somewhat high expectations but trying to remind myself that people change and the strong connection we all once had might not be there. I was wrong. Without me having to say a whole lot, they were speaking into my life and encouraging/challenging me. In this world, where I feel so alone and isolated, it is reassuring that there are still people that can break through and reach this sometimes unreachable person.

Taking a Short Break...

I needed to take a few minutes to be somewhat creative. So as you can see...my blog has a new look. Not necessarily the look I was going for...but I need to really take more time to figure out new templates and how to get them to look good. Anyway, welcome to the new Spring look! So guess what I noticed today...green things on trees!!! YAY...the first hints of real spring. New life appearing! So refreshing. I am still searching for my new life or a renewal of the life I have. Next week is Gospel Music Week in Nashville and I actually have several of the artists that I work with that will be here this year. I am hoping that being around them for a few days will breathe a new passion in me. Well back to work for me. Remember when weekends actually meant something? :)

My new home in the country!

I have been in my new home for officially a month today! It has been quite the change and not something that I ever pictured for myself...well, not in many MANY years. I have become quite the city/town girl over the years. This place was too good to pass up though so here I am. Acres of land surround me and there are 3 horses on the property. The massiveness of the horses scares me at times, but then I get reminded of how gentle they actually are. It is peaceful out here. Outside my office, I can see a pond and even just that little bit of water sends a calming around me. I am looking forward to warmer weather so I can spend more time outside enjoying all the space I've been given. Even though it wasn't some place that I imagined being, it is the place I believe I need to be. I am also living with another person again. I am breaking the cardinal rule of roommates and living with an old friend. It has been a good thing so far. Of course there are the times of selfishness and getting used to another person, but it also has been nice to have someone to talk to.

Here's a pic of the land that surrounds me....

Rain

Yes, it is raining outside today. As I listen to the water drop on my rooftop, and window and see all the dreariness of this day, I am reminded of the dreary condition that has enveloped my heart. I am not sure where the sadness began, but it has become a part of who I presently am. I am in need of a change, but I don't know what that is. Or maybe I do know and I am just too scared to take those steps. The dreary, damp places are confusing.
The other truth I know about rain...especially rain in Spring is that without it, there would be no growth. That we have to go through these times of ickyness in order to see beauty. By surrendering to the rain and allowing it to do its job, the trees and ground are transformed. They have new life. I need to hold onto that truth for myself. I want to experience the growth that awaits me. I just need to allow the rain to do its thing.

new thoughts

So, I guess I've been neglecting the ol' blog again. *sigh* I've been in a funk to say the least. I've been trying to find a house, making the decision to have a roommate or not, getting discouraged about finances...blah blah blah. So...I found a house and am going to be living with a roommate. The house is going to be a big help in the finance department and I think its going to be a great house. It was not a place I ever pictured myself in, but I know this is where I am suppose to be. Did I mention its an actual HOUSE??? Yeah...I'm looking forward to being out of townhome living. I move in 2 weeks and have so much packing to do between now and then. I can't wait for this new beginning. I feel like the world is before me once again and I have a chance to start over. The house is out in the country and in a different town than I've been living in, so I'm looking forward to the change of scenery and change of pace.
In the spirit of catching up...I did have an amazing time on my vacation. I can't wait to go back. I did come home and would up with the flu over Christmas. NOT fun!

I am the planning maniac

10 more days folks! Then, I'm outta here and will be in the land of sunshine and all the happiness I can stand. I can't stop planning my trip. What I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to buy...I'm obsessed with vacation. I am reading all kinds of reviews from people that have done Disney by themselves. I keep reading the menus of the places I'm eating and deciding NOW what I want to eat. Its crazy! I guess my super type-A personality is kicking into high gear and I love it! Being prepared is allowing me to see the fun times ahead. Call me crazy. Who out there likes to plan plan plan and who just goes with the flow...whatever happens happens?

Hi Blogland!

Life has been running faster than I can think. For the most part things have been good. There have been some disappointments over the last 2 months and some struggles but I am embracing those things and have determined in my heart to not let those things cloud my vision. A couple weeks ago I had some good friends from home come visit and it was so refreshing. The 5 days with them were full of laughter and memories. The long weekend goes down in my life as one of the best times ever. There is something surreal about being around people that have known you for the majority of your life, but they click with the person you've become. After that visit, I went to Atlanta for another youth pastor convention. The week was filled with lots of work but it was great to reconnect with people.
In my hiatus time away from you all, I turned 31. It was a GREAT day! I hiked, went out to lunch with a good friend, went wine tasting and the day was topped off with dinner with friends. After dinner, I was given the best surprise ever! All of my bands and my bosses chipped in and gave me a 5 day Disney World vacation! The vacation I've been wanting to do for so long, but finances kept getting in the way. I was so blown away by all of their generosity! I leave in just over 2 weeks!!! I have not been able to stop looking at planning websites and scoping out my plan of attack for the week. I am just so thrilled to have 5 whole days to myself with no phone or computer to take my time. I don't think I've ever gone this long without thinking about or doing work. Every other time I get out of town, I am still reachable...but not this time! This trip is definately what I have needed to lift my spirits and keep surging ahead!

Ok...wait a minute..

How is it October already? How am I turning *gasp* 31 in 23 days? I've been trying to keep my head above water lately. Trying to rebuild the business and it is a slow process. The downtimes can really be scary and you hope for the light at the end of the tunnel, but it keeps moving further back. Its frustrating. Normally at about this time of the year I do lots of traveling for work. Its a time of excitement for me...a time that gets me through. This year, we aren't doing those events. I have to admit that its hard on me knowing that I'm not getting out of here this month...that I'm not seeing my customers face to face. I am trying hard to get beyond that and keep motivated.
On a more happy note...even with all the stress around me I am planning a vacation. I am looking at taking myself to Disney World. I am looking to be gone 4 days. A glorious 4 days of no internet or phone. Its gonna be weird. Its gonna be good for me to be at a place where I cannot connect to the world easily. Whenever I get out of town to visit family or things like that...I still end up doing some work. I need time to get away and regroup. Time to disconnect from the overwhelming stress. Have any of you guys done a vacation on your own? Any tips?

what a week..

Yesterday I got the call from my dad that my Grandma had passed in the morning. This week has been a struggle. My mind flooded with memories both good and bad. I had a chance Wednesday to tell her goodbye. it was difficult, but it helped to let go and deal with it all.

Sometimes when you come back to reality...you REALLY come back to reality

Remember how I got the chance to go back home in May? It was such a great trip and I had a chance to reconnect with some family. One of these people was my Grandma. She and I have not always had the greatest road. Some incredibly destructive things happened in my young life that she had the power to protect me from but instead she made me believe I was in the wrong. As I grew up, the gap between us got narrower but it was still there. I knew that she had regretted mistakes that were made and she turned her life around as much as she could.
After our visit in May, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. It has progressed quickly and yesterday she was given less than 48 hours to live. This has been a whirlwind of shock for me. I am so thankful for that time that I had to spend with her and I know that in the midst of all of this...nothing else than letting her know how loved she is matters. Through her life, I have seen that no matter how many mistakes you make, that there can be redemption. She would say that the last 15 years of her life have been the best ever. That after being with so many frogs, that at 70 she finally found her prince.
I pray that these last few moments of her life are filled with peace and comfort.
Here is the last picture I have of her with my dad, brother and his family.

The Time Has Arrived

In about 24 hours I will take off for the mountains of North Carolina. The next day, bands from various parts of the country will join us and the conference that I've been working so hard on will begin. The past few months have been quite a journey. I have been consumed with thoughts of failure and unknown. I have been pushed and stretched. I have been broken numerous times and put back together. Some scars are still there...some are healing. This has been one of the most grueling times of my life. I am spent.
I am also proud. In the face of opposition and complete exhaustion...I stuck to my guns. I found my strength. I found determination. I did not quit. I am still standing. And yes...I am getting back in the trenches for next year.
I am looking forward to this time of seeing the fruits of my labor. Meeting these artists that I have only talked to on the phone. Hearing some great speakers. Enjoying a concert by one of my favorite bands and hanging out with 2 of MY bands that will be with us this weekend. I am looking forward to being in the mountains and away from the 100+ degree weather that has annoyed me to no end. I am looking forward to when this is over and my life can get back to a state of normalcy.