Saying Goodbye to my 20's...

In a few hours, I will be 30. YIKES! I always envisioned 30 being way different than what its actually becoming. I thought I would be an adult by now, but I'm so far from it. It really seems like just yesterday that I was the awkward 12 year old girl with my bangs teased so high that a bird could live in it. My biggest problems were whether or not I would get the right color ESPRIT bag or if the right boy would rip off the Guess tag on my jeans. I had such lofty dreams back then. I was capable of doing anything. My dreams have taken on different forms over the years. I have made many of those dreams a reality...some dreams I have to keep fighting for to stay a reality and some dreams I am trying to still dream about. I have felt in the last few years that I have lost the ability to hold onto my dreams. That somewhere along the way, I have started to believe that some dreams aren't meant to come true. I have let bitterness come into my life and its time to kick it back out. I desire to be a 30 year old that believes in herself and believes once again that anything is possible. I want to believe once again that the dreams I have are meant to be realities at some point. So here is to a fresh start of strength!

Back from Texas

This week I was in Arlington for a youth pastor's convention. It was a good week overall. Lots of challenges to overcome..our booth was not coming together like we had planned; tables collapsing, banners not the right size...but in the end what mattered was that the people that came to our booth liked it. I connected with some great youth pastors and hopefully these will become great long term relationships for me and my bands.
The past couple weeks I've been thinking a lot about the spiritual state of our youth. With so many school shootings....you have to wonder what is happening these days. I grew up at a time when my peers were so on fire for God. We were bold, we had conversations with our friends about Christianity..but something happened in the past few years. Over time, the excitement and fire died. My peers and myself became disenchanted; boldness gave way to being "open-minded" and "unoffensive". Many youth pastors are my age or younger. This attitude seems to be passed down to the younger generation. Students don't seem as excited at spritiual things. I hear from my bands all the time that teenagers just don't seem to have that fire in their lives. All of these things make me ponder where our society is heading. Later in the week, I went to a Christian bookstore to pick up some CD's. Going down the isle, I noticed 2 things that really floored me...Strawberry Shortcake and these toys that looked EXACTLY like My Little Pony, but they weren't called My LIttle Pony...they were called Praise Ponies. GAK First of all...when did Strawberry Shortcake become a "Christian" toy. She's a toy! You rub her head and she smells of wonderful strawberries. So..needless to say the sudden site of this toy in a religious store is very strange. Now onto the Praise Ponies. Seriously guys...these ponies were EXACTLY like My Little Pony..they had the same hair, the same brushes, the same colors...everything. So, WHY do we have to call them Praise Ponies. I can just picture some poor little sheltered kid taking her pony to school and trying to play with the other little girls and insisting that they are Praise Ponies. I found myself becoming really upset with the Praise Pony. As Christians, we need to get out of our bubble that we've created. There is no need to label things as "Christian", but live life as a Christian. Love people like we should instead of alienating ourselves and trying to shelter ourselves from the real world. I think its time to be real. To live life to the fullest and serve those in our path.

Stuff life throws at you...

I guess for some reason, I need to keep learning that life is fragile and you need to prepare for the unknown. I got a phone call today from my BFF that a guy we grew up with died this weekend. This guy was a little brother to us. We would tease him, taunt him and basically be kids. The story that we have of his death so far was pretty heartbreaking. We've known him about as long as we've known each other. We then started to think about what if that was one of us...very sad to even consider. My BFF is my rock. After 24 years, she has experienced life with me. I am SO lucky to have someone like her in my life. Its pretty sad that it takes a devestating event to really understand what people mean to you.

Learning to Let Go

As you go through life, its inevitable that dreams will come and go. Some dreams you realize and other dreams for one reason or another fall to the wayside. This past weekend, a dream died. In reality the dream was dying long ago, but there was always that place in the back of my mind that held onto hope. I found out that the last of my former guys is now engaged. This one hurts. This is the man I believed I was desinted to be with. Other people told me many times in many different circumstances that I was the person for him. He was and is definately burned into my heart. And even though I have moved away and I no longer have contact with him, just knowing that he was still single was a bit comforting. He was still available and maybe maybe maybe. (Although reality tells me...nope, not gonna happen) I haven't been truly intersted in another man since him and its been a LONG time. Since finding out this news, I've realized that there are many stages of letting go...little things that have to die. The big dream has to offically die. There is no longer any ounce of hope to hold onto. I now have to officially find and hold onto the hope that there is someone better out there that will be the perfect fit for me. I can still believe that, can't I?

Writing Wednesday

I'm joining the new sensation. Sitting Still and Mrs. Flinger have decided that to spice up the week, a writing assignment would be a fun way to pass the time and give people like me that have times of blog block to have a creative thing to write about. This week, its a lunch box story. So...here is goes...
I had many lunch boxes in my time. Each fall, my elementary school years would start with a new lunch box. I tried to be one of the hip kids with my cabbage patch kid lunchbox or my garfield lunch box, but the lunchbox that I remember the most was my metal Muppet Babies lunchbox. I have to admit, I wasn't a fan of metal or the Muppet Babies, but this lunchbox came in handy one day. Most days this lunchbox served its purpose of being the home to my peanut butter sandwich, chips and granola bar, but one day it took on a new form. My lunchbox became my protector. I had a girl in my class that did NOT like me. My BF and I had a really bad habit of making fun of people that weren't us and I had crossed the line. This girl was determined to beat me up after school. She was serious. I was scared out of my mind. The school day ended. The girl was waiting for me out in the playground. My BF and I RAN to our bikes, jumped on and started pedaling. The evil girl ran after me and I held up my metal lunchbox and told her to stand back or I would hit her over the head. Then with my new sense of strength and confidence...I pedaled out of playground as fast as my legs would go. The girl never bothered me again. Goes to show you that you don't mess with a short girl and her Muppet Babies.

On a happier note..

In 2 weeks I start my travel season for work! I am so ready to get out of town and this year I am actually going to 3 cities that I've never been to before! My journey starts 2 weeks from today when I go to Dallas for 4 days!

What does loyalty mean to you?

This week has been full of ups and downs. Its been emotionally draining beyond belief. Many times all I've been able to think or say is "I don't know". As you know (or don't know yet), I work with bands. Musicians are extremely introverted and more times than not will keep their feelings to themselves. Then, it seems out of nowhere will just say they are not happy and that you are not doing a good job and they want to leave the relationship. I am a person that takes things very personally. I know I should allow these things to roll off of me, but I don't. I just think about all that I should have done (even if there is nothing more I could have done). I think about how I've failed. It makes me question my abilities and whether or not I'm doing what I should be doing in a career. Ultimately though, it makes me angry. I am a very loyal person. If you are one of my people, I'll go to bat for you no matter what. I don't understand how other people don't have this trait. I don't understand how many people seem to just be about themselves and what is best for them no matter how it may hurt others. Or maybe it is that I'm just jealous that other people have the ability to screw others and I seem to always get bitten back when I try to do what is best for me no matter who I screw. So, is loyalty a long forgotten trait? Have you experienced loyalty in those around you? Are there things we should do to perserve the notion of loyalty?

My heritage

Ok..so I have to say this made my day...

Who wouldn't want to look like these girls. I found this fun face recognition program on http://www.myheritage.com .
This week has flown by. Nothing too exciting. I start traveling for my job in less than a month and I can't wait!!! 4 cities in 6 weeks...its gonna be a blast.

one of my pet peeves....

Is people that think they know everything! Arrogant, control freaks really rub me the wrong way. (ok...so, maybe I am a little bit of a control freak too) I understand this concept that seems to be unknown to some people called respect. When you walk into someone's house...you don't start ripping their stuff apart. You don't tell the person everything they should have done. You don't take over if you are a guest. I LOVE my house. I've worked hard to have nice things and to decorate it on my budget with my taste. I LOVE my large kitchen..maybe I'm really becoming an adult because I used to never care about having a big kitchen, but now that was a huge selling point. I LOVE my dog and the fact that she barks at strangers and that she barks to welcome me home. It makes me feel safe. Yeah, so when you meet someone for the first time...don't start digging. Its not appropriate. Respect the person. Get to know them and gain their trust and their ear. You dont' know everything.
I need to figure out how to tastefully make my feelings known. This person is probably going to be at my house a lot as its a friend of the rooms. Really...have I mentioned that sometimes I really don't like people. :)

The roomie is coming this weekend

I found a roommate. I am currently NOT looking forward to having someone else living here. I've been living by myself for the last 2 years and I have loved it. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want. I know that I NEED to have someone else here to help with my finances, but I'm pretty apprehensive right now. She keeps talking about wanting to make sure she feels like this is HER home; wanting people over, putting stuff all over, etc. To a point I have no problem with that, but I want to make sure that I still feel at home too. I hope she is respectful. This girl is a stranger to me. I've done the roommate thing before...I've had some amazing experiences and some nightmares. I hope this is more of an amazing experience and less of a nightmare.

Yippee! I'm done!!!

My weekend was a success! All unpacked and sorted. My storage closet outside is packed to the gills! I found a box that I've had in storage for a few years and I went through it yesterday. It was filled with old binders of letters, journals, and papers that date back to 6th grade. What a fun trip down memory lane. I'm so thankful that I held onto that stuff. I was able to really get perspective reading some stuff that I wrote when I was 12-13 (the things that went on in my head...oy). Finding those treasures really reinforced how great it is to look back on life and see what you've overcome and learned. And now with blogging, all of you get to go through this with me.
So, I'm still looking for a roommate and I hope to find that person this week. I've been pretty stressfree about bills and stuff since I've moved, but last night the stress started to creep back in. I couldn't sleep through the night. I don't like that feeling. Last week was so refreshing. Each night I slept and woke up without any back pain...it was pretty close to heaven. I need to really have as little stress in my life as possible...I am seeing how severely it has been affecting my health. So what do you guys do to de-stress? Any relaxation tips?

Woo Hoo...Its September!!!

I'm in my new condo! I've shoved all the boxes in the spare room, so I don't have them staring me in the face. This weekend I plan on getting them tackled! Even with the boxes, things are really coming together. Its so pretty...I feel much more relaxed and I've been sleeping a lot better this week. I really hope this is the beginning of a less stressful existence. I am STILL trying to find a person to rent my spare room. Its difficult to find someone that is a good fit.
I did have one piece of excitement that I NEVER want to have again. On Wednesday I was getting ready to go out with a friend and I went into my living room and the front door was wide open and my dog was nowhere to be found. My heart stopped. I looked all throughout my neighborhood..had friends and neighbors looking for her and she was not appearing. We all searched for an hour and it was starting to get dark. I had pretty much decided that I would get up in the morning and call the animal shelter and see if someone had found her. I was devastated. Just as I was pulling out of the parking lot, I spotted 2 boys..one of them was carrying a fuzzy, black thing. I yelled out my dog's name and there she was. She had actually made it to the next neighborhood over. I was sooo relieved. The thought of losing her had ripped me apart. After letting her know how bad it was to leave...I have spent the rest of the week spoiling her. I never want to go through that again.
And to all my new blog readers...I'm so glad to have met you guys. Thanks for stopping by my little corner of cyberspace!!!

Insanity

This business of moving is crazy. I'm working all day and then lugging stuff to the new place at night. Its been a SLOW process. I'm ready to be done and settled in to my new house. It is sounding like the girl that I originally met with to be my roommate is still interested. I can't wait to have more disposable income...any amount of disposable income. This past year has been rough on me not being able to have any steady spending money. I'm one of those people that will buy something just because have any extra money after months of having to watch every single penny. So, it is going to be good for me to have a more consistant cushion. So PLEASE God let me get a roommate. (I NEVER thought I would say that)
One of the band that I work with decided to break up. Its so strange the dynamic that changes when you quit a job. It just dawned on me...like when you give your 2 weeks notice at work, many of us stop caring. We get lax. This is what is happening. Committments are not being followed through. Messes are being generated and its up to ME to clean them up. This makes me a firm believer in sticking with your committments. See them out to the very end...even when you can see the end in sight!
And my final thought of this post. My body is kicking my butt. I had been diagnosed with PCOS about a year or so ago and it is currently in full swing. Things have been fine for quite a while...even without medication...but for the last 2 months, not so much. My emotions are all over the place. I have things happening that I really don't want to discuss, but I feel extremely gross. I don't have insurance because I haven't been able to afford self-employed insurance (I NEED a roommate), so my mind has been racing with all the things that could be wrong with me. And knowing that PCOS can lead to...I'm scared sh*&less right now. I'm so sad that my body doesn't know how to work right...that every day I am dealing with the fact that things are not right or things would have stopped by NOW. I'm tired of feeling tired all. the. time. I'm so sad that even if someone can get past the fact that I'm this icky mess, that I'm probably never going to feel a person growing inside of me. So those are my insane ramblings for today. I'm sure more are to come...

The fun has begun...

This weekend I started the joy of packing,moving, unpacking. Thank goodness..its JUST across the parking lot. I still have not found a roommate, but I'm hoping now that I have a place people can look at...it should be easier to find someone. This weekend I'm working hard on downsizing and getting rid of the things I don't need and haven't used in forever. Because I'm getting a roommate, my office is moving into my bedroom...so I'm having to combine the 2 rooms into one. It should be an adventure! Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend! More updates to come...

see...my fingers are crossed

As some of you know...I got the oh so exciting news that I HAVE to move at the end of the month. This is definately not something I was anticipating and I am not looking forward to moving. I've been looking and looking for a new place and nothing has been coming through. STRESS city! The things in my semi-price range were interesting to say the least. One place had NO appliances in the kitchen. It was difficult to even tell it was a kitchen. Hilarious. I also was trying to look for a roommate thinking of cutting my expenses but no one was coming to the surface. So, at the end of the weekend...I was pretty much at the end of my rope and thinking I would be sleeping on someone's couch. Well, I got a phone call from a place that I had called on 3 times. Its RIGHT across the street from me! Only one other family has lived in it. its exactly what I'm paying now (which is doable...but pretty darn tight). This condo does have 2 full baths though...so...it could be a good roommate situation and I would just sacrifice not having an "office" for awhile. Well, I met a girl today that seemed to be fun and the type of person that would be a good roommate and she is getting married in the Spring...so it wouldn't be a long term deal! YEA!!! This would give me enough time to save money and build a cushion for myself so I could handle the place on my own after a few months. You guys...I want this to work out sooo bad. I need the stress of this to be over, so I can move on. I should know by the end of the week what is happening...so please cross fingers, toes, arms, etc. and be praying that everything will work out!

Who I Am

So here are a few insights into what makes me tick or not tick so well :) ....
I HATE confrontation. HATE!!! If I'm upset about something...it will fester. I will sit and stew it over in my head over and over and over. I will allow it to build up walls so high and thick that it will leave some bad scars on my relationships. I know this. I've been trying to get better about letting people know when I'm not happy about something. In my almost 30 years of being on this earth I've slowly gone into just holding things in indefinately to talking about it within months, then weeks and now I'm working really hard in only letting somthing fester for a few days while I try to come up with a succinct way to discuss what i'm feeling. So...I've been spending my week trying to figure out how to confront because festering leads to me....
Paranoia....yep, I'm paranoid. Whenever I am in a conflict, I *KNOW* that other person is just as obbsessed about the situation as I am. I KNOW they are talking about me and the situation to others. I KNOW that anything negative that happens in the festering time is my fault or that things are getting worse than they really are.
So the lesson today for all of us...keep the lines of communication open. TALK to people. Be vulnerable.

Whewww...made it through the week

Hooray...the week is OVER. This week was such a pain. People are a pain. I wish people would just stick to their word instead of constantly wanting YOU to be flexible after you already agreed to a certain thing. When I agree to do something I will do it...okay, maybe not RIGHT away all the time...but I'll get it done EVENTUALLY. REALLY. But seriously..once you agree to do something...don't try and renegotiate and manipulate people to get what you want. So frustrating. I really let the actions of others get to me. I wish I had tougher skin sometimes.
Anyway...here's to a weekend of not allowing others to get to me! I'm checking out a new church tomorrow and I"m looking forward to it. Hopefully it will be what I'm looking for. God willing..next week will be less stressful!

hmmm

What do you do when you feel completely overwhelmed with life in general?

Yeah...that's the post. Not too profound...but I created this site as a place to be honest instead of hiding behind silence.

Can't Really Think of a Title to This One

What a week. And its only Wednesday. This week has definately had its share of turmoil and ICK. Tonight I found out that my Grandpa died Saturday. I don't know any details. I just found on Google that he was in AZ and I didn't even know he had left Vancouver. I don't even remember the last time we spoke. I'm trying to conjure up a memory and its hard to even picture his face. Wow. That is pretty messed up. When I was young he was a decent Grandpa. I liked going to his house. After my parents got divorced, I saw less and less of him. That kinda makes me think that my mom had a say in us going to see Grandpa when I was little. The relationship that my dad had with his dad was pretty non-existent. I learned so much from the mistakes that my Grandparents made. I see how having his father abandon him has effected my dad and his ability to relate to us kids...especially my brother. I see the struggle he has to try and be as much of a dad as he knows how. It is tough. Its a cycle that must be broken. My dad is definately a better dad than his dad was. My brother seems to be doing a great job raising his little girls. I pray that if I do ever get to have kids that my home will be amazing for them to grow up in. This whole broken home thing is a mess.

Ohhhhhh, so you would rather do that...

People take the words committment and honor pretty lightly. This seems to be the case in many areas of life. I always had this child-like view that people would do what they said they would do, especially when it comes to working in ministry. That doesn't seem to be the reality. People all the time bounce from one relationship to another; whether its personal or a business relationship. Loyalty doesn't really seem to be a word in their dictonary. This lack of loyalty baffles me. I am such a loyal person. My closest friends have been friends practically my whole life. I would do anything in my power for those people that are "in the circle". So, its the most insane thing when I look around and realize that not everyone is like that. In fact, very few people are like that. I have seen it so many times here..people use you to get to the next level. They want to see how much they can get you to do for them and then they'll find someone else when they think they've gotten all they want from you. its disgusting. Another thing that confuses me in the world of committment is the lack of follow through when you say you'll do something and either you just don't do it or you don't do it like you said. I have to admit that I need to be much better in this area. It just seems like there is no use in asking people to do things for you or giving them a task because in the end, we all just do what we want. Why is that? Is the English language so trite that our words hold absolutely no meaning? if you say you'll do something, then do it and do it the best you can. Your reputation is on the line. I for one desire to be a trustworthy person...do you? The only way to be trustworthy is to stick to your word, do the things that are asked of you if you'll say you'll do them, and do things to the very best of your ability. Don't run away from responsibility when it gets tough or if something better comes along. Stick to your committments. In the end, that is all we have.