Insanity

This business of moving is crazy. I'm working all day and then lugging stuff to the new place at night. Its been a SLOW process. I'm ready to be done and settled in to my new house. It is sounding like the girl that I originally met with to be my roommate is still interested. I can't wait to have more disposable income...any amount of disposable income. This past year has been rough on me not being able to have any steady spending money. I'm one of those people that will buy something just because have any extra money after months of having to watch every single penny. So, it is going to be good for me to have a more consistant cushion. So PLEASE God let me get a roommate. (I NEVER thought I would say that)
One of the band that I work with decided to break up. Its so strange the dynamic that changes when you quit a job. It just dawned on me...like when you give your 2 weeks notice at work, many of us stop caring. We get lax. This is what is happening. Committments are not being followed through. Messes are being generated and its up to ME to clean them up. This makes me a firm believer in sticking with your committments. See them out to the very end...even when you can see the end in sight!
And my final thought of this post. My body is kicking my butt. I had been diagnosed with PCOS about a year or so ago and it is currently in full swing. Things have been fine for quite a while...even without medication...but for the last 2 months, not so much. My emotions are all over the place. I have things happening that I really don't want to discuss, but I feel extremely gross. I don't have insurance because I haven't been able to afford self-employed insurance (I NEED a roommate), so my mind has been racing with all the things that could be wrong with me. And knowing that PCOS can lead to...I'm scared sh*&less right now. I'm so sad that my body doesn't know how to work right...that every day I am dealing with the fact that things are not right or things would have stopped by NOW. I'm tired of feeling tired all. the. time. I'm so sad that even if someone can get past the fact that I'm this icky mess, that I'm probably never going to feel a person growing inside of me. So those are my insane ramblings for today. I'm sure more are to come...

The fun has begun...

This weekend I started the joy of packing,moving, unpacking. Thank goodness..its JUST across the parking lot. I still have not found a roommate, but I'm hoping now that I have a place people can look at...it should be easier to find someone. This weekend I'm working hard on downsizing and getting rid of the things I don't need and haven't used in forever. Because I'm getting a roommate, my office is moving into my bedroom...so I'm having to combine the 2 rooms into one. It should be an adventure! Well, I hope everyone has a great weekend! More updates to come...

see...my fingers are crossed

As some of you know...I got the oh so exciting news that I HAVE to move at the end of the month. This is definately not something I was anticipating and I am not looking forward to moving. I've been looking and looking for a new place and nothing has been coming through. STRESS city! The things in my semi-price range were interesting to say the least. One place had NO appliances in the kitchen. It was difficult to even tell it was a kitchen. Hilarious. I also was trying to look for a roommate thinking of cutting my expenses but no one was coming to the surface. So, at the end of the weekend...I was pretty much at the end of my rope and thinking I would be sleeping on someone's couch. Well, I got a phone call from a place that I had called on 3 times. Its RIGHT across the street from me! Only one other family has lived in it. its exactly what I'm paying now (which is doable...but pretty darn tight). This condo does have 2 full baths though...so...it could be a good roommate situation and I would just sacrifice not having an "office" for awhile. Well, I met a girl today that seemed to be fun and the type of person that would be a good roommate and she is getting married in the Spring...so it wouldn't be a long term deal! YEA!!! This would give me enough time to save money and build a cushion for myself so I could handle the place on my own after a few months. You guys...I want this to work out sooo bad. I need the stress of this to be over, so I can move on. I should know by the end of the week what is happening...so please cross fingers, toes, arms, etc. and be praying that everything will work out!

Who I Am

So here are a few insights into what makes me tick or not tick so well :) ....
I HATE confrontation. HATE!!! If I'm upset about something...it will fester. I will sit and stew it over in my head over and over and over. I will allow it to build up walls so high and thick that it will leave some bad scars on my relationships. I know this. I've been trying to get better about letting people know when I'm not happy about something. In my almost 30 years of being on this earth I've slowly gone into just holding things in indefinately to talking about it within months, then weeks and now I'm working really hard in only letting somthing fester for a few days while I try to come up with a succinct way to discuss what i'm feeling. So...I've been spending my week trying to figure out how to confront because festering leads to me....
Paranoia....yep, I'm paranoid. Whenever I am in a conflict, I *KNOW* that other person is just as obbsessed about the situation as I am. I KNOW they are talking about me and the situation to others. I KNOW that anything negative that happens in the festering time is my fault or that things are getting worse than they really are.
So the lesson today for all of us...keep the lines of communication open. TALK to people. Be vulnerable.

Whewww...made it through the week

Hooray...the week is OVER. This week was such a pain. People are a pain. I wish people would just stick to their word instead of constantly wanting YOU to be flexible after you already agreed to a certain thing. When I agree to do something I will do it...okay, maybe not RIGHT away all the time...but I'll get it done EVENTUALLY. REALLY. But seriously..once you agree to do something...don't try and renegotiate and manipulate people to get what you want. So frustrating. I really let the actions of others get to me. I wish I had tougher skin sometimes.
Anyway...here's to a weekend of not allowing others to get to me! I'm checking out a new church tomorrow and I"m looking forward to it. Hopefully it will be what I'm looking for. God willing..next week will be less stressful!

hmmm

What do you do when you feel completely overwhelmed with life in general?

Yeah...that's the post. Not too profound...but I created this site as a place to be honest instead of hiding behind silence.

Can't Really Think of a Title to This One

What a week. And its only Wednesday. This week has definately had its share of turmoil and ICK. Tonight I found out that my Grandpa died Saturday. I don't know any details. I just found on Google that he was in AZ and I didn't even know he had left Vancouver. I don't even remember the last time we spoke. I'm trying to conjure up a memory and its hard to even picture his face. Wow. That is pretty messed up. When I was young he was a decent Grandpa. I liked going to his house. After my parents got divorced, I saw less and less of him. That kinda makes me think that my mom had a say in us going to see Grandpa when I was little. The relationship that my dad had with his dad was pretty non-existent. I learned so much from the mistakes that my Grandparents made. I see how having his father abandon him has effected my dad and his ability to relate to us kids...especially my brother. I see the struggle he has to try and be as much of a dad as he knows how. It is tough. Its a cycle that must be broken. My dad is definately a better dad than his dad was. My brother seems to be doing a great job raising his little girls. I pray that if I do ever get to have kids that my home will be amazing for them to grow up in. This whole broken home thing is a mess.

Ohhhhhh, so you would rather do that...

People take the words committment and honor pretty lightly. This seems to be the case in many areas of life. I always had this child-like view that people would do what they said they would do, especially when it comes to working in ministry. That doesn't seem to be the reality. People all the time bounce from one relationship to another; whether its personal or a business relationship. Loyalty doesn't really seem to be a word in their dictonary. This lack of loyalty baffles me. I am such a loyal person. My closest friends have been friends practically my whole life. I would do anything in my power for those people that are "in the circle". So, its the most insane thing when I look around and realize that not everyone is like that. In fact, very few people are like that. I have seen it so many times here..people use you to get to the next level. They want to see how much they can get you to do for them and then they'll find someone else when they think they've gotten all they want from you. its disgusting. Another thing that confuses me in the world of committment is the lack of follow through when you say you'll do something and either you just don't do it or you don't do it like you said. I have to admit that I need to be much better in this area. It just seems like there is no use in asking people to do things for you or giving them a task because in the end, we all just do what we want. Why is that? Is the English language so trite that our words hold absolutely no meaning? if you say you'll do something, then do it and do it the best you can. Your reputation is on the line. I for one desire to be a trustworthy person...do you? The only way to be trustworthy is to stick to your word, do the things that are asked of you if you'll say you'll do them, and do things to the very best of your ability. Don't run away from responsibility when it gets tough or if something better comes along. Stick to your committments. In the end, that is all we have.

Dealing with Puke and other fun things in life...

So tonight, I was getting ready for bed. All relaxed..yep, sleep would be happening at any time. Then the ick happens! My little dog decided to slowly get off the bed and I look down and she is yaking up a storm. Needless to say, I get up and take care of my "baby" and the huge mess in my room. Now, its 1am, the dog is sound asleep on the living room floor and I'm in the living room (instead of sleeping) making sure all is well. Whenever this stuff happens, I think about what its gonna be like to be a "real mom". Dealing with stuff coming out of all ends, worrying about them, getting up in the middle of the night for various reasons and so many other things that I cannot even begin to imagine. It definately seems like a curious world...but then who ever thought I would be sitting up in the middle of the night watching my dog for any signs of trouble.

Welcome to Jr. High...

Remember the days when you had to deal with *those people*. You know the ones. We'll all encountered them or have been one of them from time to time. I'm talking about the people that you never knew where you stood with. You could never figure them out. Never knew if you were "in the crowd" or if you had done something to be banished. So aren't we suppose to be past this stuff? Aren't we suppose to be adult enough to talk about what's bugging us about someone? Shouldn't we know how to deal with people face to face? No? We haven't grown up past that 12 year old? Ohhhhh....that makes complete sense. :) (insert complete sense of sarcasm here)

Hooray for a long weekend!

Long weekends usually pose a lot of excitement for people. This was suppose to be one of those weekends for me. I was going to get away and take a real vacation. But thanks to the fine folks at Frontier, my vacation plans were thwarted. I wasn't allowed to use my free ticket this weekend. *URG* So what is the backup plan. How do I create a different kind of weekend that will allow me to feel refreshed and ready to take on the world on Wednesday? I organize!!! I get small tasks done so they aren't piled up anymore. I clean my house. i bath the dog. I lay on my couch and watch movies. I try to get out and do something FUN. So that is the plan. We'll see how things go.